Bad Movies Beware!
Let’s face hardcore facts before we even move on. This movie sucked ass worse than Vacancy, worse than Nightmare Man, but not nearly as bad as Alice in Wonderland. I am at least grateful that they did not sing in Asylum, though as campy as the acting was on the part of the mad Doctor (not kidding) I was half-expecting song and dance numbers with a showstopping finish written by the greatest of all copycats, John Williams. Why did I watch it? I figured it would be cool to see a movie filmed at my old school. What I got was a random, reaching and unoriginal pile of genetically altered fecal matter filmed at my old school. The biggest name in the movie was Travis Van Winkle, who you might recognize as Trent from Transformers, Trent from Friday the 13th, and Meet the Spartans! Yeah, the 300 spoof. Not kidding. The storyline is about a bunch of friends who meet up at a local college that used to be (guess) an Asylum (you guessed). They all spend most of the movie pissing and moaning about their pasts, then one by one they are brutally executed by the mad doctor who used to run the place after visiting (guess) the forbidden wing that used to be the old asylum (you’re on fire today) and has severe Freddy Kruger complex. I could really have done without the not so creepy wisecracking demon doctor. I compare the quality of this movie to the artful grace and style of House Party 3 or Next Friday. The Doctor’s catch-phrase before he killed his victims was “Give me your suffering.” I already used it all by watching your sorry-assed movie, jerk-off. None left. How about a nice swift kick in the beans for how bad this movie was, instead? Cause I know I’d rather be kicked between the legs and have my balls launched to ninth ring of the solar system than watch your crappy movie again. Shove that up your catheter, Doc.