Bad Movies Beware!
I have watched some real crap in my day. Between cinematic gems such as Vacancy and Reel Horror, I had thought that it could get no worse until I saw Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Then, here comes Asylum, and I am promptly kicked in the beans by what I had thought was the worst movie EVER. As if my scrotum begged for more punishment, I am dared…DARED to watch what must be the biggest sh*t-stain ever smeared on poor defenseless film like Country Crock on a Ryan’s Yeast role. Battlefield Earth is, without any reasonable doubt, the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE! The only person who walked away from this train-wreck of silver-screen fecal matter with a career was John “I-Think-Aliens-will-Steal-Katie-Holmes’s-Baby-if-She-Screams-During-Childbirth” Travolta, and he has GREASE to thank for that crap. This colossal reason as to why people no longer believe in anything with Forest Whitaker stars a cast of absolute NOBODIES as characters that no-one with an ounce of intelligence would care about at any given time in the movie. In the year 2000, an alien race called the “Psychlos” (it gets better, trust me) invades and takes over Earth. Yeah, I know. Ten years ago. But let’s face it. Nevermind, let’s not. The movie picks up in the year 3000. In a literal montage of pointless dialogue and utterly random montages of characters doing nothing, we meet Johnny Goodboy Tyler (see, I told you. I’m not done.), who is a headstrong youth that is captured by the Psychlos and taken to a facility where we meet Terl (AKA Fuzzy-Cone Travoltapants), who is the security chief of an installation that looks like an…installation. Yeah, it really does not look like anything, truth be told. They all work for a corporate group who sends out guys from the Home Office to check in on Terl from time to time because he did stuff to the senator’s daughter. My guess, Travolta probably tried to demonstrate his acting abilities for this movie and offended her so badly that she had to be put on lithium just to handle the depression. The movie is shot in three primary colors: Purple, blue and beige. F*&KING BEIGE!!!! Yeah, that’s right, I know the ending. By all rights, I ought to make you watch it as payback for having me watch this migraine headache. But I can’t do that. My whole purpose is to watch these crappy flicks and review them to save you the pain. Every now and then, I find a gem. Be grateful that I am so noble. The acting is so bad, I was actually pausing the movie here and there to see if they were holding scripts and doing cold reads. The Psychlos spoke like current day human beings, and referred to humans as Man-Animals and Rat-brains. And almost every male in the movie, at some point, had an erection. I kid you not. Melissa caught that one right before she gave up and turned her back on it to do more interesting things, like SLEEP. The special effects were top-notch garbage that were outdone by anything seen on SyFy, and the storyline was broken and beyond repair. It was as if someone ate the script, then had it extracted from their poo and pieced together to form what we ended up getting. This movie actually got a studio sued, cost Travolta $5million of his own money, and became the punchline of bad movie jokes to this very day, TEN YEARS LATER!!! I would rather have the hair on my private areas shaved off with an Epilady than watch this movie again. The difference? The pain from the hair-removal would go away.
VERDICT: Burn. Make it die. If you see it on the shelf at the store, get the children out first, and do not look Fuzzy-cone Travoltapants directly in the eye. His alien, super-hypnotic Psychlo-stare will turn your bowels and make you poop more bad science fiction movies for him to star in so that he can preach more Scientology to us. This movie will make you hate puppies. This movie will make you want to feed liver to little kids. Okay, not really. But I will tell you anything to keep you from destroying your life by watching this crappy, crappy movie. I would grade it, but F is too high a score and there is nothing after Z.