Bad Movies Beware!
This movie may as well have been made by Seinfeld. It’s a movie where nothing really happens. There are two frightening sequences, and the end. No, really. Samantha is a college student who is looking for work when she stumbles upon a notice of a family looking for a babysitter. She calls the number and is greeted by the mysterious Mr. Ulman, played by soft-spoken and awkward Tom Noonan. She finds out that there is actually no child but an old woman, and she is paid $400 to simply stay in the house until after the Eclipse and make sure the old lady doesn’t kill herself getting to the toilet. The next hour+ is not much more than Samantha ordering pizza and exploring the creepy old house. The most shocking sequence is when her friend, Megan, blows a flat on the way home from dropping Sam off and pulls into a graveyard. A friendly wanderer shows up and asks if everything is okay. She says yes. He asks if she is the babysitter. She says no. He promptly blows her head off with a .357 magnum without a word and drives her car back to the house. Nothing real after that. Sam ends up in a Satanic ritual and runs for her life after they paint a pentagram on her stomach and say the funny words. Mr. Ulman begs her to come back, and she figures out that she is possessed. She shoots herself in the head. Apparently she isn’t even good at that and ends up int he hospital pregnant with whatever. The end. Not kidding. I sat on the couch wondering what I had done to deserve a movie this boring. At least the House that Screamed (read “The House that Sucked”) had more action than this pile. It was filmed last year, but takes place in the early eighties. Throwbacks are great, but really.
Verdict: HOUSEFIRE. Leave this one to rot. The House of the Devil is officially condemned and awaiting demolition. That is, it will be demolished if any other people who watched this movie don’t show up and burn it first.