Bad Movies Beware!

Amityville 3D-Not 3D, and Not Good

I took a step back and watched Amityville 3 largely because I have seen parts 1, 2 and 4, and the remake. Imagine my surprise when I am reminded that it is actually Amityville 3D! I grab my 3D shades from the pile I have horded over the years, sit down with my movie breakfast(eggo waffles, 2 eggs and 2 strips of bacon) and press play.
No 3D.
Instead, I get 3D goofs in 2D. It’s the same effect of a lap dance happening across the room, but the chick is looking right at you and making gnarly faces that look like something from the Garbage Pail Kids cards. A writer moves into the Amityville house to finish his novel(yeah, original). He is divorced, and his daughter comes to stay with him. The daughter is none other than Laurie Loughlin from TV’s “Full House.” Though this was pre-Tanner family and she was friggin NICE. What follows is a series of events that everyone experiences except the writer. By the end, he is a believer and the house is filled with paranormal researchers trying to get the haunts on tape. Yes, we really are going to see them prove the existence of ghosts by taping the purple orb that isn’t really there. It looks like a fingerprint of Crisco rubbed on the lens of the camera and then illuminated by a bad computer. This was the most expensive shot of the movie, and I could have done it with a VHS camera and editing software. What got me was that the house NEVER directly killed anyone. It possessed people and made them kill. In this movie, it drowns one guy in flies and blows up the vehicle of another while she is still in it. There were also no monsters, yet this does not stop the guy in the rubber demon suit from jumping out of the well of boiling blueberry kool aid to drag a researcher straight to hell. The house finally destroys itself in an explosion truly intended for 3D audiences. And only intended for them. There was no reason to destroy the house. Yet there are 2 movies after the fact. HOW?!
VERDICT: No. Do not take this movie any more seriously than you take comments from Sarah Palin. The acting is bad, the story is weak and the movie makes more random turns and story events than The Sweetest Thing. Not that I would never watch it again in the face of excruciating pain, but I have no desire to be that bored again. Ever.


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This entry was posted on October 16, 2010 by in Uncategorized.
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