Bad Movies Beware!
I remember when this movie came out. All my friends were stoked, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was interested in an animated Mario movie. Oh, wait a minute. It’s live action? Not interested. Something told me then not to watch it, and now I finally see why. This movie sucks worse than a prostitute with an iron lung. One person compared to “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”, so I shot him and hid the body. The cast of this ignorant waste of dead brain cells is headed up by Bob Hoskins as Mario and Dennis Hopper as Koopa. Not even Bowser. Koopa. John Leguizamo plays Luigi, who is Mario’s far younger borther. We’re talking 20s. Though Luigi was more like that thrid fork that no one uses in the video games, he was the main focal point of this flick. The Dinosaur world is ruled by Koopa, and the dinos have evolved into humanoids who live in a back-alley city that looks like something out of Mad Max. In fact, this movie tries so hard to push the whole “Apocalyptic Punk” thing that it ends up being silly. Granted, I like family flicks, but give me a break. The Marios have to save Princess Daisey, a gorgeous and gratuitous college student played by Samantha Mathis. So, wtf is Princess Peach?! And what’s this Dinosaur City crap? Make no mistake, the mushrooms play a role. There is fungus everywhere that ends up being the King de-evolved. He helps Mario and Luigi by supplying Bob-ombs and power-shrooms that act as shields. F*&KING SHIELDS!!!!!
Verdict: Thank you, Mario! But our good movie never existed. This movie single-handedly defined what NOT to do when translating a game to film. Puppeteering at its worst, Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper doing what they can with a crappy script covering a game that they most likely have never played, and special effects that even back then could have been done in my back yard make this one of the worst video game movies ever. This movie is a venereal disease. It comes on, and it DOES NOT WASH OFF!!