Bad Movies Beware!
I finally got a chance to view this oldie, and I must say I was surprised. It’s surprising to me that anyone who was in this movie still has a career. It’s also surprising to me how cheap Robert Patrick and Alyssa Milano work. If anyone has ever played the game, oh well. The storyline has not much to do with it other than that the main characters are Billy and Jimmy Lee, twin brothers (not really, Billy is obviously American and Jimmy is obviously not) who fight in an underground circuit to raise money and pay the bills. The city of New Angeles is under curfew at night after a truce is made between the city gangs and the Police. The gangs are made up of neo-punks in outfits that scream Goodwill last-minute shopping. Marion heads up the good guys of the underworld and rocks a crew-cut from hell, which is a far cry from the long red locks she sported in the game. As if the premise wasn’t bad enough(find both halves of the Double Dragon Medallion before KokoShuko does), the script was way worse. Every line is either a bad elementary school joke or a reference of self-representation. I had to groan in physical pain when Alyssa Milano was asked “Who’s the boss, now?” by “Lash,” played by the chick from General Hospital. By the way, there is a cheesy line to that one, too. Abobo, the fearsome giant from the game, is now a walking flesh tank that looks like a mutated Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, and Robert Patrick(read “T-1000”) plays a whiny excuse for a Shadow Boss. Never mind, his name in the movie is KokoShuko. Of course, the famous bit between the brothers that will live on in horrific infamy put a different twist on it. Billy: “Sorry I had to kick your but so bad, Bro.” Jimmy: “You didn’t kick my but, you kicked KokoPUKE-o’s butt.” They both then giggle like a couple of school girls in the sand box talking about what’s under the skirt.
Verdict: Thing in the Attic. This movie was all but forgotten for good reason. A script written by a 10-year-old boy and painfully obvious choreographed fights make this gem tarnished as if it had been living in the rectum of a dragon for years before it was excavated. The archeologists who found it probably cried when they discovered that no matter how deep they buried it, the gem would haunt them into madness and despair. I would rather scrub my armpits with boll weevils than watch this pastel-colored nightmare again.