Bad Movies Beware!
I got a movie pack from my wife for Christmas entitled Gorehouse Greats. It’s supposed to be a collection of some of the greatest cult gore flicks of the sixties, seventies and whenever-the-hell. One stuck out in particular: Blood Mania. I know what you’re thinking: gore-galore! Serial killers and gruesomeness and naked chicks, oh my! Well, one of those is right. When I watch porn, I know what I’m walking into. They don’t lie about what they are doing with some inane title like “Blood Mania.” It’s freaking porn! The story opens with some chick running through a garden while some dude is chasing her intent on killing her. He catches her, sexually assaults her and cuts her up. Things are going great so far! Then, the sudden plunge into a twisted murder mystery that isn’t much of a mystery with story points that lead nowhere and so many booby-shots that after about the twentieth in the first fifteen minutes it actually gets boring. Yes, I actually got tired of seeing naked chicks. Some rich dude who isn’t even memorable is sick and dying while his nurse, Ms. Turner (read: dude with a hippie-wig) and his psychopathic nymphoid daughter, Victoria, take care of him and his estate. The good doctor, Brian, is as much of a whore as Vic. He lives with a girl, who is hotter by far, is boning Vic, and also owes some dude $50k of hush money about something sinister that went down in med school. There are allusions that the sicko in the opening sequence is the doc, but this movie also has allusions of not being fecal matter so take that for what it’s worth. Vic promises Brian the cash and offs daddykins. Enter little sis, Gail, who ends up getting everything in the will while Victoria is left the house and $250 a week. Vic goes nutbags and ends up under treatment of Brian while he begins boning Gail for the money. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Brian’s live-in girlfriend bones blackmail dude to keep him off Brian’s back. He gets the goods and walks away, saying that she’s not worth $50k. We never see her again. By the end, Vic has killed Gail, Brian is hiding the body and hooking back up with Vic, and Mr. Creepy McCreeperson shows up with Gail’s body and a smirk. Notice something? NO F@$%ING BLOOD!!! The movie is called BLOOD MANIA, but it might as well be an episode of Murder, She Wrote with mild violence and enough nudity to edit together panty-porn!
Verdict: Call in a nationwide manhunt for the a$$hole who wrote and made this movie. Yeah, I get it: women have boobs. Can I please get some kind of cohesive plot out of this mess? Watching this movie with any expectations other than the possibility of drooling at the end because of the lobotomy you gave yourself to escape this wreck is like trying to hook up with the girl next door. Just when you think…nah. That’s too good for it. It’s like feeling like you have to take a crap so large you swear if you lay on your side or sit down that a watermelon will come out of your butt. You sit, and all you get is a nugget. Nothing else. Ever. I would rather tongue-kiss the business end of a diuretic farm goat with multiple personality disorder than watch this crap again. It is an awkward stain on the underwear of the same industry that crapped Battlefield Earth onto film. Only this time, it forgot to wipe.