Troll 2: Tom Selleck’s chest hair was not this bad
I never thought it possible that a movie could be worse than Battlefield Earth, but then Jarred, one of my followers and fans, suggested Troll 2.
Thanks, Jarred. You might as well have recommended I eat a yogurt-covered turd glazed with liver sauce.
I’d say the movie is a joke, but unfortunately it’s not even funny enough to be considered such a high rating. In fact, toilet film has better appeal than this steamer.
Troll 2 opens with some dude dressed like a Swedish Butt Pirate prancing through the woods (no, he really was prancing) for his life from a group of Goblins trying to eat him.
Yup. That’s right.
The movie is called “Troll 2,” but there is not one single Troll in the entire movie! It’s about Goblins! The original title was Goblin, but they changed the name to try and capitalize in the original “Troll” following.
And get used to the prancing, because no one in this move flat out runs. Every single character in this movie prances for their lives when being chased.
It ends up being a story that Grandpa Seth is reading to Little Joshua. Turns out Seth is dead and he’s Joshua’s imaginary friend.
The Waits family is supposed to go to Nilbog for vacation on a home swap that they have arranged with a family who lives there.
Right away I have to wonder how stupid these people really are. Nilbog? Goblin?
Moving along because the movie draws out every friggin’ little story point to utter death, the family ends up in Nilbog to discover that the place is a dump. Mr. Waits explains that “farmers don’t usually come out this time of night.”
It’s the middle of the day. Really. The line is delivered while the sun is at high freaking noon.
There is a feast laid out on the table for the family, but Grandpa Seth warns Josh that it’s tainted. So Josh decides to pee on it.
Really. That simply.
I can go on and on with each scene pointing out the absurdity, but I won’t. Let’s talk about the atrocious acting combined with writing that is abhorrent.
The script was written by two Italians who speak no English, so it’s all a sort of “pidgin” English. Combined with the cartoonish way that some lines are actually delivered directly to the camera, this makes the movie laughable.
The goblins are dudes wearing burlap sacks and rocking rubber masks that look like they came from the rotten bowels of Dollar Tree. They keep trying to serve up green food because they want to turn the humans into plants for consumption.
Yup! Not just ANY goblins! VEGETARIAN GOBLINS!!
WHAT THE HELL?!
They’re f**king vegans! How many stories have we heard about goblins eating people?! Nothing was said about them eating people after turning them into artichokes!
As much as I wanted to look for good points, this movie just kept getting worse and worse. And it didn’t help that it tried to take itself so seriously.
I have to wonder what the hell they were thinking on the music. Each scene of action or terror is accompanied by disco dance music. No, really. I can’t make this crap up. I could go on and on, but the more I go on the longer I have to live with the pain of this move scorched into my retinas.
VERDICT: Oh my Goooooooooooooooood!
This movie makes licking the walls of a public porta-john look like a phenomenal idea. The director/writer still flaunts this movie as a masterpiece, not willing to accept that he actually manufactured something about as entertaining as being castrated by a rabid wiener-eating badger.
It’s one of those movies that should have been no more than an hour, but drags for twice as long. It was made longer by that fact that I had to pause it and walk away about every 3 minutes just to collect myself and get rid of the headache.
Being in this movie actually made one of the actors a permanent shut-in. No one has heard from her since!
I thought that maybe being an eighties flick would lead to some forgiveness, but no. It was 1990, my friends.
This movie was not shat onto film, it was just shat.
I would rather have a Dave’s Insanity Sauce enema while gargling a milkshake made out of ferret hair and soaking my feet in a tub of hornets with bipolar disorder than watch this movie again. BURY IT!!!