Bad Movies Beware!
After looking at many suggestions and realizing that bashing Killer Klowns from Outer Space would likely get me assassinated, I looked to my treasure trove of crap known as Gorehouse Greats. I was not disappointed. Well, I was disappointed. I mean I wasn’t in that I found a crappy movie, but I was…nevermind. One movie stood out like a black man at a NASCAR Race: Prime Evil. Yeah, I know what your’re thinking: gators love marshmallows. Nope, not even close.
The story opens with a bunch of monks in a random Catholic Church in the 1600’s putzing around and talking. Yeah, I know. One of them feels like the church is a lie and proposes that they turn to Satan, instead. He is outcast by a fellow monk, but the Satanist acts quickly and beheads the loudmouthed mannequin. Yes, the special effects are just that: special. What follows is not much more than a day-in-the-life movie about this group that has lived for centuries by breeding and killing their offspring or other blood-relatives. The audio is as atrocious as the acting, the music not being much more than seventies horror-twang and bells. Yet this poop-fest is circa 1988. Go figure. The main protagonist, Alexandra, is being tempted by the evil priest to fall in love with him so that he can sacrifice her to Satan, who is represented in magnificent grandeur by by a slime-soaked retarded puppet that looks like it got frozen in time while cheering after winning the medal for Best Helmet at the Special Olympics. The most this thing does is squirm when a nun stabs it at the end. The acting, as noted before, is awful. It’s not as bad as Troll 2, but it’s campy B-movie acting gone wrong. I’m still trying to cope with the fact that a grown man called another grown man “fart breath.” Of course, being a B-movie, there are gratuitous boobies and gore, but the gore is about as gruesome as $.99 fake blood can get. Add in the random characters that do not add to the plot whatsoever and you get possibly the most boring Good vs. Evil Satanic Cult movie since Blue’s Clues vs. Barney and Friends. The most annoying character was probably the hit man the cult hired to collect ladies and kill for them, but he is trying too hard to be Jason Voorhees and looks more like that creepy dude that NEVER misses a junior girl’s soccer game even though he is single and lives at home with his mommy.
VERDICT: DELETE. This movie could have been at least mildly entertaining, but with bad writing, bad camera work, bad acting and bad audio, it ends up being about as appealing as a Texas Pete enema. This movie was shat to film in 1988, but some a$$hole decided to bring it back from the pits of Hell for this collection because some nimrod somewhere thought it was a cult classic. I would rather have my eyelids peeled back like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange and be made to watch reruns of Teletubbies with scenes of Judge Judy pole dancing with a thong and tassels painted onto her pruned carcass of a body spliced in while the creepy alien homos dance and frolic than watch this movie again. Get the one about gaters, instead. And don’t forget the marshmallows.