Breeders-I hope that alien has been tested…
I decided to take advantage of the box of movies my aunt gave me a year ago and took a look at one that has had me curious for a while. I was expecting crap, of course, but it didn’t even meet my expectations on that level.
Breedersalso had a subtitle with it: “The Sexual Invasion.” However, due to the fact that people took one look at it and saw it for the large Cleveland steamer that it really is, they dropped the extra title and stuck with “Breeders.”
In New York city(surprise) 5 women, all virgins, are assaulted by a mystery-rapist. They cannot remember much of anything. Dale, a detective with no acting experience, is tasked with finding the criminal and bringing him to justice. He is aided by Dr. Gamble Chase(I’m not kidding), the sultry doc with a sordid past(we never hear about it) and a distaste for men(may be lesbo, but she’s too stoic to tell for sure).
The five ladies are, according to the back cover, smokin’ hot. I’m here to tell you that once they are disrobed(every woman in this movie except the doc get naked) they look more like gender-confused teenage boys that won’t stop taking their mom’s hormone treatment behind her back.
Tan-lines are HUGE! I mean, they have color, then BAM! So white you can see through her!
The acting is about as good as chicken liver boiled in vomit, with all the characters simply standing there and observing the scene while they deliver their lines in monotone. I mean, c’mon! At least they were TRYING in Troll 2!
The alien is the biggest laugh, as he looked more like a cosmonaut in a rubber suit with HAZMAT gloves and shag carpet for skin. The musical score is plain awful, and I’m guessing they hired a drunken circus midget to play the keyboard for them, then fired him at the last second and hired on some third grader who agreed to work for M&M’s.
Throw in some inconsistencies and you have an hour and half of what must have been the most ignorant coaster that I have ever spun in my DVD drive. I’m not kidding when I say that it jumps from plot point to plot point with the same random MO as an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.
VERDICT: Positive for a life-sucking disease that will shorten your life by an hour and a half.
This movie is an itchy crotch fungus that won’t go away and smells right through the clothing. I had to laugh at the fact that every cliche’ was met. Right down to the all-knowing computer that knew what the parasite was, where in Manhatten one could find a specific brick dust, what the alien location was and how to get there.
My question: WTF DIDN’T YOU USE THE COMPUTER FIRST?!
I’d rather wear a jock-strap full of home insulation that watch this movie again. Oh well. One more for the vault, I guess.