Bad Movies Beware!

Santa Clause Conquers the Martians-Please Shoot Me

A big thanks to my mother, who has an eye for utter $#!t. I at least hoped that Santa was thinking Gears of War and going after Martian bastards with a chainsaw bayonette on his assault rifle, but no. I figure I’m in store for some utter crap, but little did I know that Christmas would actually turn around and crap in my face.

The martians, led by Kimar(King Martian. Yeah.), are worried because their children spend too much time watching earth television. The favorite, of course, is anything to do with Santa Clause. Kimar assembles his group and they visit Chochen in the forest. This dude is so old that he owes Moses $5. The “forest” is styrofoam rock and martian trees, which is a far cry from the wooden and cardboard sets used for the martian home. He tells them that Mars needs their own Santa, so Kimar gets the bright idea to go nab Santa Clause from Earth and haul him back to Mars. They depart in a space ship that looks like it was made out of a paper towel tube and toothpicks. The control room consists of a plywood box that is the “Radar Box” and a kitchen table with various screens that might not be much more than fish finders. The turbulence of hitting Earth’s atmosphere is not much more than an epileptic jerk performed by the green men. Well, kind of green. They are seemingly fighting with paper-mach’e helmets and make up that fades to the point that you can tell they are pasty-white dudes desperate for money. They nab Santa with the help of two children they run into and their cardboard robot, and they haul Santa and the kids back to Mars. Meanwhile, Voldar, the badguy, tries to kill Santa and the Kids. He’s classic, sporting a walrus mustache and a scheming eye. Kimar beats the crap out of him in a fight scene ripped from the archives of the old Batman series. They land on Mars, build Santa a shop and begin work. Voldar cooks up a plan to sabotage Santa, but is foiled when he gets the crap kicked out of him by 4 kids. So he basically won and got to go back to Earth by spreading cheer. Yeah, no bullets. Just happiness. If it wasn’t the bad acting, it was the bad sets. I should have known that I was in for hell when the opening theme spun, starring kids singing about “Santy Clause.” Maybe the fact that the guy starring as Kimar was taking his role as seriously as Russell Crowe in Gladiator should have been a hint that this movie was gonna blow chunks because LORD KNOWS I sure didn’t take the hint from the f&%*ing TITLE!!

VERDICT: Gag. Even for a family flick in the 60’s, it’s cat vomit. Made for TV with no other purpose than to torture families trying to enjoy their f*&^ing Christmas, this movie remains the hideously deformed stepchild that stays locked in the attic until the holidays when some alcoholic intern at the TV station with enough booger-sugar in his system to bake a wedding cake for the Mexican Cartel decides he wants to cause the mass destruction of the Christmas spirit by airing this post-incontinence underwear for the entire world to smell. I’d rather go commando in a pair of skinny-leg jeans made completely out of pissed off fire ants with rabies than watch this movie again. If the guy who created/pooed this movie is out there, damn you for ruining Christmas on television!


One comment on “Santa Clause Conquers the Martians-Please Shoot Me

  1. Pingback: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny: (Just stares at screen, blinking. No words.) | Fail-Flix

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This entry was posted on August 29, 2011 by in Uncategorized.
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