Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

The House Where Evil Dwells-And Yawns

It’s been a while due to a new schedule, but I managed to find another stinker in the depths of the random crap that Netflix throws onto the instant queue. The House Where Evil Dwells is deceptive, enticing you in with an interesting concept, an awesome and bloody and gruesome opening sequence, and the whole fact that it set in Japan. But once you’ve obligated to sign away an hour and a half of your life, it delivers an experience that makes watching cheese age look exciting.
Ned and his wife, Laura, are brought to Japan by Ned’s best buddy Alex so that Ned can pursue a career as a journalist. They rent a house in the hills and find out(surprise) that the place was cheap because it is haunted. After a weak attempt at ghostly phenomenon and a pointless sex scene that goes on far too long, we see the manifestation of the three ghosts that haunt the place. Yes, these are the same three that hacked each other to pieces in the first sequence. Note that every time one of these clowns appear, no matter what the mood of the scene is, we get bells and chimes as if Tinkerbell is coming to visit. It gets almost riotous when the ghost chick possesses Laura and has her call Alex to start an affair. It begins to get more intense when the daughter, Amy, freaks out at dinner because one of the ghosts is in her bowl of soup making faces at her. More chimes. Then Ned is possessed by the killer samurai and forces Amy to drink her soup. More chimes. In fact, when these buffoons materialize in every scene, they less like evil spirits bent on revenge and more like the Three Stooges. The most intense scene comes when Amy and her friend are sleeping and are suddenly attacked by three giant crabs. Yes, crabs. Big ones. Let the STD jokes begin, people. So preteen Amy jumps out the window to avoid the crabs, climbs a tree, and finds that the crabs can come after her no matter where she is. She falls out of the trees, and ends up in the hospital without the crabs. Ned and Laura go home and have a local Monk conduct an exorcism. Soon Alex shows up, letting the ghosts back in, and he and Ned end up fighting after Laura admits that she has been sleeping with Alex. The ghosts possess all three of them and they end up repeating history. It all happens with very little dialogue that actually has meaning. In the end, the credits rolled with me feeling like I asked for the cute waitress starting her freshman year in college and got the fifty-year-old redneck chick that smells like cats and old spice.
VERDICT: No. While it has the potential to be a decent flick, it kicks Mr. Opportunity square in the junk and opts to be another bad haunted house flick. I got more entertainment value out of my root canal than I did watching this flick. It wasn’t so bad that I would rather inflict excruciating and deforming pain on myself than watch it again, but I think I’d rather watch a mass Sea Sponge migration than this movie. Lord knows the sponges would have more entertainment value.

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This entry was posted on October 4, 2011 by in Uncategorized.
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