Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Vicious-Unrelentingly Craptacular

Yet another that I received when my Aunt lovingly graced me with what I am now referring to as the “Box-O-Turds,” Vicious fell out into my hands like breakfast at Waffle House an hour after the fact. Don’t let the creature on the cover fool you, nor the fact that it stars the legendary Tom Savini sway you in favor of this film in any way. I assure you that when it comes to creature-features this movie is the dirty fart in the genre. The movie is about a military experiment gone haywire(surprise, surprise), and a monster is on the loose killing people. Behind the whole bit is Kane, played by Savini, who has lost his marbles and is feeding the monster to watch it hunt. Of course, a group of coeds shows up to fish and are taken out one by one by Kane and the beast. The effects, on the whole, are not much better than the graphics on the Sega CD Game System. It was painful, really, to watch this thing work. The difference between the “CGI” monster and the real world on camera was done way better in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Also, with a movie that features Tom Savini, one would expect gore. GALLONS of guts! No, we get a splatter here, a smudge there. I’ve seen more blood on a used tampon than I saw during the kill scenes in this movie. As if the terrible effects and crummy writing weren’t enough of a kick to the groin, the director decided that every character should have a theme song. EVERY CHARACTER! Now, as much as I love Iron Maiden, I consider my theme song to be “Alive and Amplified” by the Mooney Suzuki. Do I have a ghetto-blaster blaring this out everywhere I go? NO. So why, in the name of all that is Lord of the Rings, would I want to hear a different musical bit for every character?! I’ve gotten more entertainment value out of watching the scrolling TV guide on old-school cable television. The gratuitously long scene where the redneck shows up to fish was almost physically painful to watch. The guy pulls up, country music a-blaring, parks his car on the railroad tracks, gets his gear, walks through the woods, and goes fishing. It took them 20 minutes to show me this douche prep for a relaxing day of friggin’ FISHING! In fact, that’s all anyone in the movie does! I like fishing too, but by the power of Grayskull!
VERDICT: SKEET SHOOTING. Yup, that’s about all this DVD is good for. The only person in the movie with talent is Tom Savini, and his acting clearly shows that he is in the gory equivalent of Super Mario Bros. Well, I say gory, but…ah, hell, you know what I mean. Bad computer effects that may have been programmed on a Super Nintendo, bad acting done by college students with nothing better to do on the weekend, and a story that has been done more times than Paris Hilton make for a joke of a film that would have ended Tom Savini’s career if he were any less awesome than he is. I would rather give myself an enema of emotionally disturbed hornets with agression issues using a gas-powered bagged Black & Decker leaf blower while brushing my teeth with napalm than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on November 28, 2011 by in Uncategorized.
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