Bad Movies Beware!
Alien vs. ninja first caught my eye about a year ago, though I put it off because of all of the other garbage out there to watch and rip apart. I read up on it before I watched it, though Wikipedia didn’t give me much more than “An action comedy set in ancient Japan.” I figured why not? The Japanese have a very cartoonish sense of humor, and their live-action comedies generally are live-action anime. Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad was entertaining crap. Alien vs Ninja was BEYOND crap. It was the fungus that grown on the bottom of a public toilet. A group of ninjas are out…ninja-ing, I guess…when a UFO crashes. Aliens emerge, looking like the Peanuts versions of H.R. Giger’s biomechanoids. The fight scenes are awesome, but once the aliens enter the picture the movie spirals downwards faster than Eddie Furlong’s acting career after Terminator 2. The aliens kill everyone in their sight, and birth babies from the holes in their heads. The choreography quickly changes over, and it looks more like I’m watching a very gross episode of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Not that the ninjas in the film do kung-fu while they talk, but I was waiting for it. The alien costumes are abysmal, complete with scenes where it is painfully obvious that the feet are tennis shoes made up like alien feet. The effects were almost as bad as the carnage that was Battlefield Earth. The worst was the sequence where the alien knocks the head off of a ninja, bounces it off of about 50 trees, then sticks it to a limb. A plastic bird with its wings glued to its sides shows up, and pecks at the head. You can actually see the hand of the dude holding the bird for the camera. WHAT THE HELL. I’ll admit, Santa Clause Conquers the Martians was bad, Momma Mia was bad, but this movie was a turd. I should have known something was up when I hit play and heard the toilet flushing in the next room. The torture does not end until the head ninja fights the lead alien in the air, then enters the atmosphere as he plummets towards the Earth, doesn’t burn up, and lands on his feet without turning into a human accordion. At least THAT would have been funny.
VERDICT: WHY?! This movie is not even remotely funny. In fact, I’ve not been this offended by pointless camp since Sex and the City. Of all the crap I’ve seen, this one turns the bathroom into a biohazardous accident and then wipes itself with the good bath towels. I would rather take a fresh hot Dunkin’ Donuts coffee enema and my back shaved with an Epilady, all while a tortoise with rage issues chews on my nipples than watch this load of butt-biscuit hash again.