Wishmaster-Genie in the Crapper

Number 3 in the fearsome foursome-pack is Wishmaster from renowned horror-master Wes Craven. 

Needless to say my expectations were high considering that not only did it come from the mind of the man behind People Under the Stairs and Nightmare on Elm St., but also starred(supposedly) the legends of horror: Robert Englund(Freddy Krueger), Kane Hodder(Jason Voorhees), Tony Todd(Candyman), and Angus Scrimm(The Tall Man).

Unfortunately, “Starring” for these icons in this movie meant “Farted into the script at the last possible second.”

Robert Englund has the largest roll in the movie(a whole 15 minutes of screen time combined), Kane Hodder is killed by the Djinn almost instantly during his one minute scene, Tony Todd is a sucker, and you only hear the voice of Angus Scrimm in the opening dialogue.

So much for an all-star cast. 

Ted Raimi also appears, but is killed off within 30 seconds of screen time. Oh well, onward to the review. 

And screw the opening sequence because the only bearing it has is how the Djinn got trapped into the jewel. It could have been shortened by about five minutes.

Alexandra(Tammy Lauren) is given a jewel to appraise after it is discovered inside a statue that was broken during a tragic dock accident. The tests awaken the Djinn(genie), a demon that grants wishes to those unfortunate enough to grant him the permission to use his power.

He seeks out Alex, granting wishes and collecting souls along the way. His goal: have Alex make three wishes so that he can unleash the entire race of Djinn into our world.

The characters in this movie besides Alex are incredibly stupid. I’m sorry, but some creeper walks up to me and wants me to make a wish, I’m gonna raise my eyebrow at him and walk away.

Oddball. 

Of course he finally gets to Alex after a gory rampage of wishes that turn his hopelessly dumb victims into his playthings and corners her into making her first wish.

What would a movie with creature effects ripped from the Sesame Street reject warehouse be without a jaunt through the same hallways and corridors we’ve seen in EVERY OTHER STINKING MONSTER MOVIE?

Alex uses her final wish to undo everything that has been done by the Djinn, right down to the breaking of the statue that revealed his jewel.

 Talk about anti-climactic? 

I’ve seen more nail-biting sequences of sphincter-tightening action in Dora the Explorer. Remember when Boots lost his balloon?

 EDGE OF MY SEAT, MAN!!!

VERDICT: Coaster. 

Unless you truly believe that even the greatest horror-master cannot have the creative squirts, this movie is best left a bad memory of the 90’s. What’s worse, it shat 3 sequels straight to video!

I cannot believe that the concept of putting together favorites from a beloved genre worked better in The Expendables than it did in the world of Horror. Mr. Craven, though you have redeemed yourself since this abomination, I have made sure that my Wes Craven toilet target has been ordered and shipped in the name of Wishmaster.

 I wish for my anal aim to be dead on target!