Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

A Bothered Conscience-Indecisive Disorder

My darling wife was gracious enough to curse me with another $5 four-pack of movies entitled “Backwoods Butchers.” I should have known that I was screwed like the new guy on the cell block when I opened the case and saw that they had managed to cram all four movies onto one poor DVD like Mexicans in a Pinto. 

But, I digress. 
 Onward to waste of time and brain cells number one: A Bothered Conscience.

Kenny McGavin is a hermit that lives with his son in a trailer out in the middle of nowhere. He has posted signs warning people to stay away, and kills anyone who comes onto his property.

The movie opens with a lady in 1974 dressed in Tommy Hilfiger clothes and toting a $600 Nikon Digital SLR camera.

Yeah. Second giveaway that I am in for pain. 

Kenny brutally murders her, then kills a group of hunters while muttering “Cain’t you read my signs?” in what must be the most forced redneck accent since Cold Mountain. Twenty years(and almost 45 minutes later), Kenny is murdered by a vengeful U.S. soldier, and discovered by his now grown son.

Lucas now takes up his father’s hunt, but not without beginning to lose it completely. He is soon driven to madness by the spirits of the people that he and his father have killed over the years. Then he is attacked by zombies.

Yes. Zombies. And one guy pretending to be the Grudge girl. Badly. 

During all of this, the movie cuts to random sequences starring random characters that have ABSOLUTELY no bearing on the story whatsoever other than the fact that they will get killed by Lucas at some point. The soundtrack is made up almost entirely of a single banjo, a fiddle, and a harmonica. The characters are obviously either in it because they are buddies with the director/writer/producer or they are under the sadly mistaken impression that they will get paid in something besides pizza and soda.

After this movie drags out for what feels like 3 or 4 hours of ungodly boredom, Kenny shows back up and informs a wounded Lucas that his death was faked in order to “test” the boy. Lucas, according to Kenny, failed. Kenny kills him and walks off.

Then end. No, really.

VERDICT: Toss it to the hogs, ma!

The rest of the country has such a skewed idea of what Southern living is, and to see them try to act like us is often funny.

Not in this case. 

This movie had to have been written on the wall of a bathroom stall in a public restroom. The random fodder for Kenny and Lucas to hunt is so painfully obviously “Hey, dude! Lemme be in your movie! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!!!!”

Also, would it kill the director/writer/producer to make up his f**king mind on what kind of movie he wants to make?! First, it’s a slasher flick. Then, it’s a psycho-thriller. Then it’s a ghost movie. After that, a zombie flick. Back to ghost movie. Back to thriller.

Ghost movie. Thriller. 

It may have actually helped this broken and forgettable dog turd if he had settled on suckfest and called it a day.

I would rather be buried waist-deep in a pit of rabid schizophrenic testicle-eating bunny rabbits on speed that was stirred and diluted in unhealthy amounts of Red Bull than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on April 17, 2012 by in Cheesy Slasher Flix.
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