Bad Movies Beware!

Butchered-Yes, a Pound of Bad Acting, Please

There are some things you have to remember and consider when watching independent movies, a.k.a. Indie Flicks:

A)They have, virtually, no budget. Any money that they have managed to put towards production has been gained either by fundraiser or donation.

B)The movie was written, directed, produced, and(usually) stars the same one guy who has painted his name all over the ending credits along with the three other people he got to help him out with camera and sound. 

C)The actors are, nine times out of ten, people who have never done this before and are only doing it because they are buddies with the director/writer/producer. Don’t expect a good performance from them. 

That being said, I can easily say that while Butchered wasn’t awful it definitely has its problems. 
 Onwards and upwards!
Our story begins with the escape of our killer. He butchers(see what I did there?) the two guards that chase him, and he even manages to take out the dogs. He then takes a girl hostage, thus begins our opening credits where they feature a news story about Terence Skinner, a maniac Gulf War vet who went nuts in his uncle’s butcher shop and killed a ton of people. 
The news bit is broken up by a montage of scenes showing Skinner literally taking apart the girl from the last scene while the whole thing is backed by a pretty decent sound beat. 
Skip ahead to a group of kids celebrating their escape from High School and transition to college. Each character is introduced in order of stereotype. We have the Horny Party Animal, the two hot chicks who are always together(they are not sluts, they just have friendly vaginas), the uber-loyal black best friend, his “I take nothin’ from nobody” girlfriend, the aspiring Stanford College Boy, his Girl-Next-Door girlfriend(you will NEVER see her naked), and College Boy’s older brother who thinks he needs to stay home and work on the farm. 
They all decide to go camping on a secluded island that they have been romping on since they were kids. It is to be their last night of partying and random sex before college, the military, or wherever the hell else they plan on going(only 3 of the seven actually specify where they are going). 
It all goes to hell quickly when Skinner shows up and starts killing them off one by one, usually with an ax to the chest. The movie is slow going at first, filled with inspirational pep talks between all of the characters.

In fact, I’ve not heard this much crap from the heart since Steel Magnolias. It’s like a chick flick with gore. The writing is just bad, and the acting is worse. In fact, I’ve seen better performances from nervous middle-school kids than I saw from these “actors.”

The movie actually got better once Skinner showed up and started his massacre. Ever had one of those where you’re actually cheering for the killer?

 Yeah, this would be it. 

Sixty-six minutes later, it’s over. Yup. One hour, give or take. So what happens? Well, once the heroic Stanford boy and girl-next-door off Skinner, they motor off on a boat, kissing as the sun sets on the words “6 Months Later…”

The Epilogue is tacked on at the end like Eeyore’s tail. Girl and boy are at Stanford together, trying to move past the horrors of running from the Butcher on the island. As they fall asleep, a figure emerges from the bathroom. Of course, being shot with a harpoon and beaten over the head with a club did not kill him.

He is Jas…I mean Mich…I mean Terence Skinner! 


I could sit through it again, but only for a laugh. It’s not terrible, but it ain’t great. The writer/director/producer obviously loves the Friday the 13th and Halloween movies, so he made one and slapped a different sticker on the box.

If flattery is the greatest compliment, then this is straight up butt kissing. 

To say that the acting is wooden is a compliment. To say that the acting and dialogue are bad to the point of hilarity is about right. In fact, it probably would have been better if Kevin Costner had actually shown up to train these people. Then at least they could perfect saying every line in the same tone with the same facial expression. Some of them were trying so hard that they looked like they were seizing.

If you are looking for boobies, blood and ignorance, have at it. If you are looking for a good addition to your slasher flick collection, look elsewhere.


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This entry was posted on April 30, 2012 by in Cheesy Slasher Flix.
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