Bad Movies Beware!

Mother’s Day Massacre-Throw Momma under the damn bus.

Movie number three in the epic $5 four-pack is, so far, the worst in the bunch.

When I watched Halloween, I got what I expected: Michael Myers killed a bunch of people on Halloween, which is the anniversary of the night he went nutbags and butchered his sister. The Amityville Horror took place in Amityville, of all places(imagine that)! Yet, I watch a movie called Mother’s Day Massacre, and I get a dose of randomness not seen since the Sweetest Thing.

It was as if the Writer/Director opened up his word program on his computer, and then proceeded to bash his head against the keyboard until he was almost unconscious. He then saved the file and sent it to some third world illiterate country where the population is primarily mentally disturbed chimpanzees with a note that said: “Edit this and have it ready in three days. Thanks!”

A woman finds out she has chlamydia and knows that her husband, Tex, has visited his whore, Delores, again. She storms into Delores’s house and comes upon a woman with two small children and the worst Scarface impersonation EVER. Cue the bad stage combat, and ol’ Soccer mom gets her hair redone with a cast iron skillet.

Skip ahead an unknown number of years to the world’s oldest third grader about to graduate high school and trying to have a romantic bath with his girlfriend. But they aren’t allowed to see each other naked.

 I can’t make this up.

This awkward couple is Jim and Doreen. Jim’s father, Tex, shows up as a surly(read “overacted”) redneck who gets his kicks abusing his son.

Skip ahead six months, and we find Doreen post miscarriage with blood pouring out of her hoo-ha and puking up the last bit of fake vomit that Spencer’s gifts had. We can only assume that these two somehow had sex in the past six months.

They break it off, and Jim ends up discovering a lost dog and a reel of footage in his dad’s shed. The next door neighbor, Jen(read “Suzy Rottencrotch”) seems like she is going to start dating Jim.


They gather at the movies with Jen’s boyfriend, Bobby, his buddy Petey(Shoot me now) and Jen’s friend Steph. Doreen is also there, and has gone from naive little girl to smoking bad girl(Suzy’s sister, Sally Rottencrotch). They are having a good time, then decide to go to a random abandoned town and look around.

They happen to end up in the same house that is occupied by Delores and her two now grown mentally retarded sons. Petey decides to take advantage of a hole in the wall.

What idiot goes into an abandoned house and sees a hole in the wall as a glory hole?!
He gets trapped and hacked up by a giant fat dude in shades who squeals like a pig. Steph is next, getting dragged off by a cross-eyed dude with mommy issues. Bobby gets worked over with a knife and dropped out a window. At this point, Doreen, Jen and Jim decide to leave.
One Week Later…yes this screen actually pops up. No, it’s not over.
No, we can’t burn the disc, there’s one more movie on it.
Jim, Jen and Doreen are trying to cope with the events in the town. Cut to Incest Hollow where we find Delores snarling that Jim took the whole crop…
ANYWAY…she visits Tex and demands compensation only to get slapped around. She leaves, and returns after Tex goes off to sell some drugs or something. Not really clear on that because the writer FORGOT TO PUT THAT ONE IN.
Delores and her artards storm the house, killing Jim’s idiot brother and injuring Jim as Doreen and he take cover. Tex shows back up, and we find out that he is in cahoots with Delores. He shoots Doreen in the eye(not that she really added much to the train wreck) and is ready to kill Jim when Jen arrives and shoots him in the face.
The bullet grazes his cheek, and he goes down. Delores screams, and Jen blows her head off. The police arrive, and Tex cries that Jen is the murderer. Before she can explain she is gunned down.
Cut to a truck stop where Tex and the big pig dude in glasses are sitting in the car. Tex goes and kills off a trucker, then hands the keys to Pig Man. Cut to a hospital where Jim has gone bat guano and is being taken care of a very familiar male nurse with crossed eyes.
The End. Thank God.
This movie was so random it was unreal. The review is not random on purpose, and I have not gotten things out of sequence. It jumped around THAT MUCH. I left out a few tidbits, like Tex being in league with a doctor who molests his patients while they are under hypnosis, simply because there are large scenes like this that add nothing at all to an already broken story.
Also notice that there is no mention of Mother’s Day. NONE. So why the hell call it Mother’s Day Massacre?! Maybe because “So Random” was already taken by Disney Channel? Who knows?!
I’m still trying to figure out how Jim and Doreen managed to have sex if they couldn’t see each other naked. Turkey baster?
This movie was up there with Troll 2, which has already set the standard of how bad movies can get. If ever a film was shat, this one would be the one. I have used some rough toilet paper in my day, but film takes the cake.
I would rather be prison raped with a branch of poison oak while gargling skunk juice and having my nipples gnawed on by sadistically demonic hyperactive bunny rabbits than watch this regurgitated turd again.

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This entry was posted on May 7, 2012 by in Cheesy Slasher Flix.
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