Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Satan’s Slave-Lazy as Hell

Once again into the Gorehouse Greats $5 12 pack that my in-laws gave me a while back. I keep calling it a cornucopia of crap, and I have yet to be disproven. The latest one that stood out for me was Satan’s Slave. I figured:

“Why not? What’s a few brain cells?”

The movie opens with Stephen Yorke. he is handsome and rich, and has who appears to be Adrienne King (read: “That chick from the original Friday the 13th”) in his house ready to give him a serving of all natural British nookie. Stephen, for no reason, goes into an aggressive fury and tries to rape her.

Oh, yeah. It’s not Adrienne King. Sorry, kids. 

She gets away, and he kills her. The entire purpose of the ten minute long scene: he’s loopy.
Onwards and upwards to the city where Catherine Yorke decides to join her parents on a trip to her reclusive uncle’s house in the country. Suddenly, as soon as they hit the driveway, daddy loses control of the car and they barely dent the front end on a tree.

But, apparently, it was enough of an impact to kill moms and knock everyone else out. 

Catherine comes to and is pulled from the car just before it explodes like a tie fighter in Star Wars. No, seriously. A fender-bender and the car blows like a bad case of the squirts.

Come to find out, Stephen is Catherine’s cousin, and her uncle is played by Michael Gough. Catherine stays on with her relatives while funeral arrangements are made, and she develops a relationship with her cousin. She eventually ends up up sleeping with him.

Guess no one loves you like family. 

Uncle Yorke and Francis, the lady of the house, jump on Stephen for moving too slow. Quite obviously they are all planning something. Ooh, shock.

By the way, we are now a full hour into the hour and a half movie, and this is all that has happened. 
Meanwhile, back in the city, Catherine’s boyfriend jumps off the roof of their high rise after hearing things in the elevator.

 That quick. 

Francis soon feels for Catherine and fills her in on what is going on. Uncle and Stephen are Satanists, and they plan on using her to revive their old priestess. Francis is later killed by Stephen, and Catherine is on the run only to discover that her father is one of them, having survived the explosion. It was all a plot. 

The end.

Shoot me.

VERDICT: Another one for the toilet. 

This movie was more monotonous than golf and slower than Christmas. If it wasn’t the bad acting or the off-subject remarks made by the characters, it was the ability for me to guess what was going on before ANY of the characters in the movie had any idea at all.

It’s one thing if I know what the villain is up to and the main characters don’t, but when I know the heinous plan before the bad guy even does, I chalk that up to pathetic. It ends on a dull note with cultists surrounding Catherine and her screaming. Again, pretty much random and out of nowhere.

I would rather apply Ben Gay to my inner thighs with sandpaper than watch this movie again.

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One comment on “Satan’s Slave-Lazy as Hell

  1. ~Melissa~
    June 17, 2012

    Exfoliation FTW!

    Like

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This entry was posted on June 10, 2012 by in Uncategorized.
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