Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Black Hole-SyFy Strikes Again

Finally getting around to the SciFi four-pak that came in the box o’ crap given to me by my aunt Marjorie about 2 years ago.

Oh, give me a break. There were 24 dvds in that box, and I work for a living. 

Anyways, as I look on the back of the cover for the first movie, I see two familiar names pop up: Judd Nelson and Kristy Swanson. Granted, these two have done next to NOTHING since Breakfast Club and Buffy the Vampire Slayer(respectively), but I was willing to give them a shot in what could have been a low-budget pleasant surprise. Instead, I spend the next hour and a half wishing I had been the one getting shot.

 In the face. A lot.

Shannon(Swanson) is a scientist at the St. Louis Science Center Planetarium, and is working on a project to create and control a black hole so that its power can be harnessed. OF COURSE, everything goes to hell instantly when a black hole opens in the basement and kills four guys just doing their jobs.

An entity(yes, that is what they call this thing the rest of the movie) emerges and begins to siphon electricity to keep itself going.

What’s the big plan? Let’s go wake up Bryce(Nelson) out of his drunken stupor to solve all of our problems!

The Special Tactics Unit sent in by the government is led by General Ryker, who looks like he should have retired after the Cold War was over. Of course, Bryce knows exactly what is going on, he just doesn’t know how to stop it. He calls his ex-wife to warn her to take his daughter and run, but that one ends in failure. 

Okay, so I guess all of the looks from Shannon indicate a fling? Nah. She’s too hot.

The new idea after they evacuate and the Hole sucks down the Research Center is to trap the entity. The government JUST SO HAPPENS to have a storage container off of a train that is rigged up as a large electromagnetic prison.

 GO FIGURE

The attempt fails, even though the soldiers were armed with hand grenades that look like tomatoes spray-painted black. Talk about low budget.

The President is talked into a nuclear strike, even though Bryce has informed them that the Hole will just swallow the bomb. He makes the obvious observation that the entity is avoiding the hole, so he devises a plan to lure it back into the hold and collapse it in on itself.

In about fifteen minutes, a generator truck is rigged up, and all of the power to the city is cut. Shannon proclaims her love for him, and it comes to light that she was the other woman.

WAIT

Really? Judd Nelson was awesome as the rebellious John Bender in Breakfast Club, but age has beaten him into the ground like a group of over-zealous cops pulling over Rodney King. Plus, why do I need to know this ten minutes away from the end credits? The city of St. Louis is about to be destroyed along with the rest of the world, I’ve had to deal with Judd Nelson and Kristy Swanson wearing the same facial expressions for the past hour and a half, and now I have to live with the image of them boinking seared into my brain with a red hot iron from the fires of Hell?!

Thanks SyFy! Thanks for being no better than the Nazis! 

Anyway, after describing what he’s doing by directly ripping off Sam Neil from Event Horizon, Bryce jumps into the vehicle and races off in a chase oddly familiar to Back to the Future. He lures the entity in, the black hole collapses, and everything is okay. In fact, everything is so “okay,” that even after we see shots of what’s left of St. Louis in ruins, they find him walking around in the city with NO DAMAGE to the buildings or streets. Traffic is moving as usual, and people are walking around as if nothing had happened.

Yay! Judd Nelson, the Angry Drunken Geek, is the hero!

Shoot me.

VERDICT: WHY?! 

This movie was about as pointless as Eat, Pray, Love. Not that I expect much from a SyFy movie, but I have to wonder if the budget wasn’t eaten up by Disney for making robots that look like Kristy Swanson and Judd Nelson for the roles. The acting in this movie had more wood than a porno flick.

I have to say that it officially shows your failure as a human being if you have stoop to being in one of these movies just to buy some eggs from Walmart because your career tanked after Mannequin. I had to pause it every now and then so I could hit myself in the head with a sledgehammer to relieve the pain.

It wasn’t as bad as Mutant Chronicles, but it was definitely worse than the second Sleepaway Camp movie and way more random than an EA Game(Gamers will know what I did there). I had no problem watching Strawberry Shortcake with my daughter later on because those movies are actually more intelligent than The Black Hole.

I am now traumatized and suffer from flashbacks of the laundry room and being assaulted by horny, criminally insane llamas with mommy issues.

I would rather have my armpits gnawed out by a rabid emotionally unstable honey badger while having my colon examined by a socially inept schizophrenic sheep with bipolar disorder than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on July 21, 2012 by in Uncategorized.
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