Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

The Last Sentinel-Apocalyptic Randomness


Sci-Fi Collector’s Set

That’s what the four-pack that this misguided shart came in is called. I look at this and instantly wonder what kind of person willingly collects bad movies, particularly in sets of four. Then I look at my movie collection and die a little on the inside as the realization hits me like the aftermath of a meal at Ryan’s Steakhouse and Buffet.

Oh well, it happens. 

This movie was number two, following The Black Hole like a piece of ultra soft toilet paper stuck in the hair of a fat man’s a**. It stars Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Katee Sackhoff: two actors with little to no personality playing characters with little to no personality in a movie that looks like it was written by a depressed shut-in with little to no personality.

Talis(Wilson) is the last surviving member of an elite squad called the EE700(we don’t find this out until halfway in.) We hear a constant female voice speaking in monotone, and we soon find out that it is his rifle. It talks to him.

No, I am not making this up. It almost seems to have a thing for him. Dude-man’s gun is totally crushing on him.

Might have made the movie better, because LORD KNOWS the story sure as hell didn’t! 

Anywho, Talis soon meets up with The Girl(Sackhoff, and that really is her character’s name. Girl. Real creative). They live in a world dominated by the Drone Police-an army made up of clones meant to serve and protect.

Drones…Clones…someone is gonna get sued.

The Drones turn on humanity(shock) and Talis and Girl decide to save the world by storming a facility and blowing it up between flashbacks of Talis’s background in the EE700.

Yes, I am pretty much telling it the way it plays out. No build-up, not a lot of dialogue.

Girl gets nabbed by the Drones, and Talis goes to save her by throwing away his humanity(Don Wilson has none to give, so I’m still trying to figure that one out) and embracing his inner killer. He easily defeats the Drone army, including the Master Drone, and Girl emerges from the shadows.

Twist? NO

She and Talis walk off together in the setting sun, the world safe from Drones. The end. I am now less of a human being for watching this crap.

VERDICT: MAKE IT DIE!! 

Of all the s**t movies I’ve seen, this one ranks up there with Battlefield Earth and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. 

The acting is wooden, to be kind. Ah, screw kindness. I’ve seen comatose hippos give a higher caliber performance than these two. Don Wilson and Katee Sackhoff have no chemistry on screen whatsoever(The onscreen kiss between these two is akin to hugging the sweaty fat kid in class that smells like sour milk and practices his Ninja Turtle moves on the playground during lunch), and the Drones took their lessons in firearms from Storm Troopers.

I haven’t seen a movie this random since the Sweetest Thing. I haven’t seen anything this pointless since the notion of a sequel to Sex and the City. The mere existence of this movie is proof that ANYONE can make a movie. It is the smear left by the spot that Hollywood forgot to wipe.

I would rather let snapping turtles hang from my nipples while wearing whitey-tighties full of angry ferrets with overly aggressive anger issues and a hatred for link sausage than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on August 14, 2012 by in Uncategorized.
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