Bad Movies Beware!
The fourth and final(thank God) movie in the Sci-Fi 4-pack was, arguably, the best one. Does this mean it was good?
About as good as the idea of tongue-bathing a sweaty sumo wrestler.
It was the third movie in Hallmark’s line of sci-fi action flicks, and another 3-hour long waste of brain cells that makes Mortal Kombat look like Dead Poet’s Society. The only headliner was Daryl Hannah, who apparently didn’t walk away with much of a career after being completely upstaged by Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
Lloyd Walker is an archaeologist with a curiosity for all things ancient and a mean streak towards other living people. Marianne is an exterminator who also is a specialist in Entomology, or the study of all things creepy-crawly.
After an archaeological dig sinks into the earth and is covered in concrete during a painfully obvious government cover-up, Walker begins to suspect something isn’t quite right. He also develops a crush on Liz Quinlin, an assistant at City Hall who shares his suspicions. Walker gets a tidbit from a reporter and is sent to a waiting area in the lower levels of City Hall after telling Liz of his discovery of alien-looking pods beneath the city.
All hell breaks loose when he and a few people from the waiting area escape and ambush the bug-people working in the lab. They are harvesting humans for what they call “Jacketing:” a method in which they use our skin as a disguise. Walker is poisoned during the escape and goes to find Liz. He passes out on her couch as she tries to find the location of his refugees, and we see in the window reflection that she is all buggy and stuff.
Not only is she a bug, she’s the queen.
Walker realizes this when he follows her to city hall and sees her drinking some sugar-water with her mandibles.
In case you are wondering, by the way: YES. I am skipping a lot of movie time because, frankly, nothing much happens other than repeat incidents up until we find out that Daryl Hannah is a bug. No, I mean in the movie she’s a bug. In fact, I swear some of the scenes were shown multiple times and just shot from a different angle with other characters Photoshopped in.
Walker and his crew decide to go and recruit Phillips, an astronaut who was on the same mission that Quinlin and her cronies were on when the bugs took them and came to earth. The difference: Phillips is poisonous to them. Therefore, they have been keeping him alive to experiment on him.
Walker then takes the crowd to the hive(yes, he knows exactly where it is having never been there before. LOOPHOLE!!!!) and confronts the Queen. By coincidence, the entire population of alien insects(read Giant Praying Mantis bugs ripped straight from Season One of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is present and tending to the nest. Phillips steps up and Walker rushes his group out as Phillips makes his final stand against the queen and detonates a grenade. The entire bug menace is wiped out.
The end. Fini.
I have seen crippled turtles in a manic depression mate faster. It was like listening to an overactive kindergartner explain the Theory of Relativity using her own words!
Usually one of these collections has a decent movie in it while the others carry the value of a bin of used diapers belonging to a gorilla with nuclear bowels. The acting was decent, but how much can you do with a script comprised mostly of “What are we gonna do?!”
Daryl Hannah must have it hard up because she approaches her role with the crazed “I can’t get any other work” look in her eye that Jamie Lee Curtis has in her Dannon Yogurt commercials.
The bugs are CG that was actually decent given that it was a low-budget attempt to retell the Invasion of the Body Snatchers badly. While not as bad as the others, it still ranks down there with feeling the revenge of the Mexican dinner you had coming on full force while watching a live production of the Phantom of the Opera you paid top dollar for just so you could sit right up front and look up Christine’s skirt.
If someone offers you a chance to watch this movie, or this entire collection for that matter, please beat them with the business end of a plastic spoon while bashing them about the head and shoulders with a paper plate.
I would rather wear a jock strap made out of razor wire while bicycling through a field of landmines loaded with the rancid remains of whatever they cleaned out of a public porta-jon than watch this movie again.