Where the hell do I begin?
This 2-hour long anal exam (sans the lube) was recommended to me by a friend who happens to swing for the other team. He told me once that being a gay man trying not to be an easy target for jokes was about as easy as going to Chick-fil-A and not eating any chicken.
Possible, but not likely.
The GayBed and Breakfast of Terror was so bad that I considered shooting heroin just to escape the ocular agony. If you thought Brokeback Mountain was awkward, you have seen nothing. It was only made worse by the fact that my schedule is so hectic that it takes me a week to watch a movie, especially if it is a 3-hour s**tbag like Supernova.
This cinematic apocalypse opens with Chubbett the Marshmallow Girl running through the Nevada desert waving her arms around her head like she’s trying to take off to monitor traffic for the radio station updates. As the screen goes black, she is knocked down and slaughtered. Suddenly, a jaunty show tune begins, and we are serenaded by a transvestite go-go dancer warning us about straights.
Yes. A slasher flick opened by a transvestite go-go dancer.
I have entered the depths of Hell.
Welcome, five gay/lesbian couples and “fag-hag”, to the Sahara Salvation Bed and Breakfast!
The bed and breakfast is owned and operated by Helen and Luella. Helen is a homophobic religious fanatic, and Luella is her socially tragic lesbian daughter. Helen’s sole purpose is to find a husband for Luella and convert both the gay man she finds and Luella to a blissfully straight God-fearing lifestyle.
First to arrive are Dom and Alex, two performers. Dom is the male-dominatrix, and Alex is the drag queen in the show.
Then there are Deborah and Gabby, well-to-do lesbians with likable personalities and a party to attend that evening.
Mike and Eric are the upscale yuppie couple who bring along their friend Lizzette.
Star and Brenda also arrive, with the story looking more like Star will be our heroine.
Rodney and Todd end it out with a very odd personal-trainer/trainee relationship.
The men in the movie all decided that they wanted the role of “Bitchy Cheerleader,” so the whining and snide remarks predominantly come from them. It gets old quickly as the movie tries (unsuccessfully) to be a gay horror film.
Helen soon begins her rampage, going room to room and stabbing each character to death as she picks a suitable husband for Luella. There is also a vicious man-thing roaming around killing them off, his bottom-half a sack of putrid mutation (read: badly made-up sleeping bag).
Alex, Star, Deborah, Gabby, and Eric showdown with Helen for a final confrontation, and the movie quickly changes gears.
Apparently, the writers and director figured out that this movie was sucking worse than a bullet entry hole and decided to make it a horror-comedy instead.
Helen reveals that she attended a Republican convention and ended up the centerpiece of an orgy, the product of which Manfred was born.
Yes. You read it correctly. Manfred, according to Helen, is the bastard child of 100 Republican conventioneers.
It gets worse.
Manfred shows up and kills Eric, and Luella kills Gabby. Alex and Star go nuts, and Alex kills off Helen and Dom, who left and came back to rescue him. Deborah kills Luella, and Alex and Star assume Helen’s identity and kill off Deborah to take over the Bed and Breakfast. A new gay couple arrives to find Alex in full drag and Star as the redneck caretaker of Manfred.
The end. If I could make this stuff up, I would be on much better medication than I already am.
VERDICT: WHAT THE F**K?!?!?
I like to think I’m pretty open-minded, but for cryin’ out loud! This movie played out like a bad gay soap opera with the bloodshed and sex (yes, it goes there) tossed in last minute like a plot twist in a Dora the Explorer cartoon. What makes it worse is the fact that this movie goes a full two hours! What can you possibly do for two hours with a storyline written on the walls of a bathroom stall?!
According to this movie: NOTHING.
This movie was almost as bad as Troll 2 and worse than Battlefield Earth. The fact that this movie was taken seriously and has a small cult following makes it even worse. Generally, any cult movie is good, and followers are a little more in tune with what is good and what is summer blockbuster fodder. The scenes are spliced together with all the grace of an explosive bout of diarrhea, and the only good thing about this movie on the whole was the fact that it ended.