Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Jack Frost-Awkward. That’s All I Got. Awkward.

With Christmas right around the corner, and a compulsive need to watch horror movies(particularly utter s**t), I stumbled across this waste of time from 1997.

Keep in mind that a family-friendly movie starring Michael Keaton came out under the same title, and that really sent video stores into a frenzy as horrified parents returned this pile a crap because they had rented it thinking they were in for the feel-good movie of the season and not a reject from Santa’s septic tank.

This movie, thankfully, recognizes itself as a comedy. The one-liners get classic sometimes, but some of the sequences are poorly written and Jack’s jokes fall a little…melted.

Jack Frost, notorious serial killer, is on a prison transport during the Christmas season. The transport crashes into a tanker truck carrying a genetic material. Jack is doused in the acidic material and is transformed into a maniacal killer snow man.

 Yes, I’m telling the truth. Killer snow man. Look it up. 

Anyway, small town Sheriff Sam is the reason Jack was put away, and he is still haunted by Jack’s threats to come back after him and his family. A giant snow man suddenly appears in his yard, though he writes it off as a creation of the neighborhood kids since his own son, Tommy, denies building it. Tommy is portrayed as the sweetest kid ever, even baking horrific cookies for daddy.

Soon the neighborhood bully is mysteriously decapitated by his own sleigh. Then his father and mother are killed. Enter Shannon Elizabeth. Many of you don’t know that she was in this movie. Solid proof that every actor/actress has that one flick that they deny hands down.

Moving along, we find Jack on a rampage as the townsfolk begin to panic. Two Feds show up, both of them having a mysterious connection to the killings. Come to find out that one of them made the genetic goop that transformed Jack into Frosty Krueger.

Meanwhile, Shannon Elizabeth and her boyfriend break into Sam’s empty house to have sex. She goes off to get ready, and he hunts down some champagne. Enter Jack, who uses icicles to impale him to the door. Shannon gets gratuitously naked and gets into the bathtub, and we get to see Jack’s ability to morph into water as he freezes the tub, assumes his snow man form, and proceeds with the most uncomfortable scene in cinematic history, after which Shannon Elizabeth falls dead and Jack laughs: “Christmas came a little early this year!”

Yeah, use your imagination.

Back at the ranch, Sam and the Feds determine that Jack Frost has somehow returned, and soon have an encounter with him when they go to a local home and find him chasing them as running water. With all else failing, Sam panics and uses a hair dryer on Frost, who howls in pain. Realizing Jack’s weakness, Sam and the townspeople arm themselves with blow dryers and extension cords.

They force Jack into the furnace in the basement of the church and torch him, but he returns as steam and regains form from the moisture. He corners the science Fed and takes him. In the next scene, Dr. Science is walking by Sam, then suddenly begins to vomit massive amounts of snow. Jack emerges, and Sam panics and throws the cookies at him. Jack screams as the cookie melts half of his head.

Turns out, Tommy put antifreeze in the cookies so his dad wouldn’t get cold. So be paranoid when your kids make food for you.

Sam gets the bright idea to have a pick-up truck bed filled to the brim with antifreeze and ends the final confrontation by catapulting Jack into the bed of the truck and killing him.

VERDICT: 

Okay, so it was a little bit entertaining. Frankly, had the writers tried to take it at all seriously, this movie would have sucked massive donkey balls. As it stands, it’s nothing more than a live-action horror/comedy cartoon. The characters are over the top, with the hero being annoyingly heroic and the dimwits being utterly stupid to the point of drooling.

It’s difficult not to laugh at the slapstick humor and irony of a snow man that kills people, and many of the one-liners hit the mark even if they do get excessive.

I’d watch it again, but I’d have to be drunk off cheap beer and someone would have to pay me in Krispy-Creme donuts. Warm ones. Glazed only, please.

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This entry was posted on November 19, 2012 by in Uncategorized.
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