Bad Movies Beware!
This is my last hurrah before the Christmas season starts and ya’ll bombard me with horrible Christmas movie requests like rounds from the guns of an Apache Helicopter. Of course, I figured I’d go easy on myself since this looked promising.
Not even a television cop show is this formulaic. Movies are like a recipe, really. Look at the ingredients, make tweaks and adjustments to make it your own and spice it up. Otherwise, your movie just turns out to be a carbon copy of Aunt Lily’s Blueberry Liver Mush 3-Cheese Casserole topped with Peanut Butter Marshmallows.
Claire returns to her small town home after growing up and finds the place ready to land a large land deal thanks to her father, Mayor Goodman. She is the typical “girl next door,” and meets up with the dashing young newcomer and construction foreman Dillon. The two hit it off, and it is soon revealed that Dillon recently fired a boy in town who happens to be the son of Mayor Goodman’s buddy.
Let’s see where we are: five minute in and we’ve met the Girl-Next-Door who moved away and came back home, the Good-Hearted Bad Boy who sweeps her off her feet, and the sleezy mayor who also has a secret embarrassment when it comes to his daughter(we never find out the embarrassment, so don’t get your hopes up. She’s modest…ish).
The cliche continues to dinner where we meet the town reverend Thaddeus(read “stiff”), his wife(prude), and his daugther(SLUT).
The sheriff is also kin to Claire, as is Danny the farmer. Yeah, I was thinking inbreeding too. Meanwhile, back at the ranch(literally), Dillon’s former employee and his buddy go on a destructive drunken rampage on the construction site that ends up in a cornfield next to a peculiar-looking scarecrow. The shenanigans disturb an ancient tomb, and the scarecrow comes to life. The boys flee, and Uncle Danny returns home from Mayor Goodman’s just to be fed to a piece of farm equipment.
The next day…wait a minute. “NIGHT of the Scarecrow.” Let me see: Friday the 13th(the original) took place on Friday, June 13th. Night of the Living Dead…ONE night. Shouldn’t this have been “Night, the next day, and the Following Night of the Scarecrow?”
Anyway, the next day the town is in an uproar over Danny’s murder. Claire handles it by going out with Dillon. Susie(Reverend Thaddeus’s daughter, SLUT) goes out with ol’ Drunkman himself: Frank the Former Employee!
I keep putting slut in all caps because the actress WAY overdoes it to the point of lunacy. It’s like watching a dude in a hot girl suit.
They sneak out to go have sex in Frank’s van, but he decides to break off for a beer while she waits alone in the van.
Scarecrow shows up and plants a fungus in her mouth, and when Frank returns she sprouts and is dragged off by her new roots. Franks is chased and killed off. Next we see Thaddeus, who is ambushed at the church by Scarecrow and has his mouth sewn shut before he is hurled through a window. He shows up at Dillon and Claire’s hotel room(another shock) and tells them the legend of the town’s deal with the Devil in return for crops. They turn on the warlock that sealed the deal, and he curses them by casting a spell that will reunite him with his bones if he can get his book back from the family of the man who led the revolt. Ready for a twist?
Claire’s dad is a direct descendant. I cannot tell you how surprised I was. Golly(Said in Ben Stein’s voice).
Scarecrow shows up and kills off all of the remaining characters, and Claire manages to find the book. She and Dillon find the spell to kill Scarecrow once and for all(WHY THE F**K DIDN’T THEY DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!) and they lure him to the corn field. They set him on fire, but to no avail. Scarecrow’s coffin is recovered, and his bones are crushed in a pile driver machine.
I understand the cliches of horror movies, but it irks me to no end when I see a movie use them as a cop-out to avoid actually being creative. Plus the little errors like going additional nights outside of what the title suggests and the inconsistencies in the plot just yank at my nose hairs. The acting is about as good as it can get, but anyone can act like a old fart or a slut so I’m not really willing to say that much was put into the roles.
Let’s face it: the last movie that did overblown cliches and got it right was Scary Movie, and that series died the day the Waynes Brothers walked away from it. Now there are some good effects in the movie, and a few decent one-liners, but a dress doesn’t make an ugly girl pretty. It just makes a dude in a dress wearing a hippie-wig look fancy.
This one isn’t worth the watch. In fact, I think I’d rather have a spaghetti sauce enema than watch this movie again.