Bad Movies Beware!
I consider myself a HUGE Star Wars fan. Hell, I even have my own Lightsaber(Anakin model). So, of course, as soon as I learn of the fabled long-lost Star Wars Holiday Special I immediately think:
See, I’m one of those who can be a die hard fan but does not think that any particular series or focus of my fandom can do no wrong. No, I admit that this TV special from 1978 does wrong on a MASSIVE scale. I’m sorry, did the moving words just get rehashed by a game show host announcer?
One thing I hate more than anything is Variety Shows. I have a hard enough time paying attention as it is, and these a**holes want me to keep up while they jump from one entertainment genre to a completely different one?!
They also managed to get the entire cast from the first movie in to do this 97 minute long embarrassment, and none of them will discuss it in interviews to this day!
Han and Chewbacca are evading Imperial Star Destroyers while Chewie(according to Han) is worried that he will not make it back to his home planet Kyshyyk in time to celebrate “Life Day” with his family.
In the next scene we meet Chewie’s wife Malla, his father Itchy, and his son Lumpy.
The rest of the show…movie…thing is almost entirely in Wookie with some one-sided conversations from human characters. Chewie’s family is waiting for his return. To keep Lumpy occupied, Itchy puts a card into the chess hologram board.
Well, at least we get to see some Star Wars che…oh God. Acrobats? WTF?!
Lumpy eats it up like a fly on an fresh pile of…stuff. We move on to another segment where we see Darth Vader storming through the starship demanding all rebel forces rounded up.
This is the ONLY time we see Vader in live action form. We next see a cooking show hosted by a four-armed alien Paula Dean dressed like Lady Tremaine from Cinderella. Luke Skywalker makes his thirty-second appearance reassuring Malla that Chewie and Han are safe. Princess Leia and C-3PO also call in to check on Chewie’s family. A friendly shopkeeper and friend of the family shows up bearing gifts, including a new disk for Grandpa Itchy.
Itchy sits back, and we are bombarded by colors, water, and Dihanne Carroll. Itchy soon starts cooing and grunting while she sings about being his fantasy. The scene ends, and Itchy looks satisfied.
Before Chewie and Han can get to Kyshyyk, Imperials invade Chewie’s house and hold Malla, Itchy and Lumpy hostage while they search the place. Lumpy is put in front of a cartoon to distract him, and we get a ten minute Star Wars toon introducing Boba Fett into the Star Wars universe. The toon isn’t bad, minus a few technical details that can be chalked up to being dated.
Suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, we cut to a Cantina on Tatooine being run by Bea Arthur(a Golden Girl in a bar. Go figure). The Empire calls in and decrees a curfew that shuts the place down. Bea then breaks into a song…
SUNG TO THE CANTINA MUSIC FROM STAR WARS.
As if this couldn’t get any worse! She probably spun seven times in her grave just because I watched this horror.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, one of the Imperials finds a holographic television that shows a rock group. Note: THIS IS THE ONLY ENTERTAINING PART OF THE MOVIE. The group is actually cool.
Then back to the lameness of bad acting being reacted to in Wookie-speak. I swear, for the first ten minutes I seriously thought the plotline was “Aaaaauuuuggh! Honk-burf!”
Lumpy goes upstairs and assembles a communicator while watching yet ANOTHER skit about how to operate the thing. He sends a fake message, and the Imperials leave except for one Stormtrooper. Han and Chewie arrive just in time and dispatch the Trooper. Hugs, family moment, lots of grunting.
In the next scene we see the celebration of Life Day. A dozen Wookies are gathered around wearing red robes. Han, Leia, and Luke show up as well as C-3PO and R2D2. Leia begins to sing a song…
At this point my ears are bleeding. Carrie Fisher is one thing, Carrie Fisher singing is a threat of nuclear war.
This travesty ends, though not soon enough, and I am left wondering what the hell I had just finished watching. It may have had the pretty shine of Star Wars, but it had the texture of rotten baked beans and the stench of Bantha poodoo.
I am going to Hell just for watching this crap. My IQ dropped fifty-seven points as soon as the opening sequence started. If I had wanted to watch a television show almost entirely in Wookie-speak I would have watched Jersey Shore.
This gigantic failure was splattered onto the network time slot like a dirty wet fart ONE time. EVER. After its run George Lucas ordered all prints destroyed in an effort to wipe it from history. It worked.
Until the internet.
Now it is being viewed again to pretty much the same criticism as before. ANYTHING Snooki has said is more intelligent than this nightmare. The only thing that could have made it any worse was Barbara Streisand.
Actually, she may have been the alien with the…oh nevermind.
This special is hailed as the biggest embarrassment in the history of CBS, and for good reason:
This movie is not the cool guy in the game store that knows all games and gives you free time on Star Wars: The Old Republic so you can raid with him. This movie is the disgusting fat sh*t that smells like sour milk and hot garbage and just slapped your girlfriend on the a**. Do not let curiosity get the best of you. Curiosity is a vicious, life-sucking b***h from which there is no escape.
I would rather have my crotch infested with saber-toothed psycho-fleas while Jabba sits on my head and farts down my throat and has Carrie Fisher sing a song about it than watch this movie again.
This turd rates 6 full Piles of S**t.