Bad Movies Beware!

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus: The Waters Went Foul QUICK

Believe it or not, I was a HUGE Godzilla fan with I was a kid. I had (still have) a Godzilla action figure, and I saw ALL of the movies.

Of course, I also saw the disastrous remake with Matthew Broderick where Godzilla was a mutated iguana. Real original, guys.
Watching these movies is like dating the school slut: you know what you’re in for. The feeling I got when watching Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus was the same feeling one would get if all Susie Rottencrotch wanted to do was hold hands. And, to top it all off, this steaming pile of doo-doo stars none other than Jaleel White: aka STEVE FRIGGIN URKEL!!
The movie begins with the most boring opening next to Battlefield Earth with the opening credits looking more like they were done in Microsoft Word. An illegal diamond mine is torn apart by a 1500 ft. crocodile. Meanwhile, Dr. Terry(Urkel) is perfecting a device that can draw or repel sharks aboard the battleship he is stationed on.
No really.  They have a tank full of Great Whites on the ship.
A giant shark, the Megalodon, leaps from the water and ambushes the ship. Let’s begin by saying that the CGI was not as bad as Primal, but definitely done on a Sega CD gaming console. Here’s where it gets interesting. The first time we see Megalodon, he’s twice the size of the ship. He flips like Jackie Chan and smacks the boat with his dorsal fin. We then see the crew firing at a dorsal fin as big as a skyscraper(yeah, real effective). He leaps from the water again, only this time he’s about the size of an 18-wheeler.
Wait a sec: he can change size? No. It’s a screw up. Basically, the director and editors were too lazy to notice that there are scenes in the movie where Megalodon and Crocosaurus are smaller(or bigger) in some scenes than they are in others.
Flash forward and we are introduced to Nigel: a complete rip of Crocodile Dundee sans the accent. Joining them as their recruiter is Agent Hutchinson, a sexy but stern secret agent who is part of an elite military group who’s soul purpose is to hunt down and destroy Megalodon. They embark on an adventure that takes them to Florida, where Mega Shark and Crocosaurus clash as they realize that Mega Shark is after Croc’s eggs.
The croc has laid hundreds of them, and they begin to hatch and terrorize Miami and Orlando. Mega Shark swallows a nuclear sub, but the plot point is dropped when the idea of activating a volcano off the coast of Hawaii and sending them into takes precedence. The two beasts bumble through the Panama Canal and end up in place with the baby crocs in tow, and continue to battle. Terry sends his device into the water, and the volcano erupts, deep-frying all of the monsters.
Yay, happy ending, everyone’s happy.  Except me.  Is it too much to ask for, at least, a minimal plot?
After the credits, Nigel asks Terry to join him on an investigation that a giant lizard (Godzilla) is loose in Japan. Please shoot me.
 This movie was so ignorant, my IQ actually dropped 3 points just watching it. Low budget CGI is one thing, half-a**ed CGI is unforgivable. Monster movies had their heyday in the fifties, but serial killers, ghosts and demons have since taken the reins. The Asylum works hard at making movies to cash in on cheap thrills, but they fail because they make minimal effort. Not that making a movie about a giant shark fighting a giant crocodile has any chance of being even remotely intelligent, but it could be more entertaining. It looked more like a SyFy movie, or a Hallmark Sci-Fi flick(Hallmark is still on my sh*t list for The Last Sentinel). And every time Jaleel White spoke all I could hear and see was Urkel. Two gigantic monsters are about to devour us all, and our only hope is a squeaky voiced teenage nerd with a crush on the girl next door and a cheese fetish.
I feel safer already.
I haven’t seen a more lame monster battle since Shannon Doherty fought Paris Hilton at a party. When it comes to Hollywood crap, this one is a bad case of dysentery.
I would rather have baby sharks hung by the teeth from my nipples while I am beaten over the head with a rubber chicken by a crocodile with schizophrenic homicidal homosexual bipolar disorder than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on December 31, 2012 by in asstard, Monster Fails, nonsense, overblown, poo.
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