Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Santa’s Slay-Ho, Ho, DIE

Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus. 

Yeah, when I saw the cover to this bundle of Christmas cheer I knew what I was in for. Only one wrestler, to my knowledge, ever made the transition from the ring to Hollywood successfully, and that was Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. And even then he struggled because the movies they type-cast him for sucked. 

Walking Tall was a stinker. There, I said it. 

Who would’ve thought that his real niche was family flicks? Game Plan was fantastic! Okay, I’ll give you the Tooth Fairy business. You win.

 The movie opens with a family at Christmas dinner bickering over their differences. Enter Santa Claus, who hangs his hat and proceeds to slaughter them like the Polar Express gone haywire. The opener is all-star: Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, James Caan, Rebecca Gayheart, and Alicia Loren. Santa makes quick work of the family, bashing Gayheart’s head in with a table leg after pinning Caan’s hands to the table with knives. Chris Kattan gets ninja kicked into a shelf and dies, and Alicia Loren is victim to Santa’s wicked throwing star skills. Wait a minute…really? He sets Fran Drescher on fire?!

 WHO THE HELL HASN’T WANTED TO DO THAT?! 

Fast forward to Hell Township, where 16-year-old Nicholas is being told the truth about Christmas by his crazy grandpa. Turns out that Santa was the product of a virgin birth seeded by Satan at the same time Jesus was born. Years after he is grown, an angel appears in the guise of an old man and makes a bet with Santa. Santa loses, and the result is 1,000 years of joy and gift-giving.

Needless to say, Santa’s 1K is up, and he is pissed.

He begins to mow through anyone that gets in his way, including a stop at the local titty bar where he uses a stripper pole(of course after sanitizing it) to kill the bouncers before burning the place to the ground. Christmas morning finds the town in havoc as Santa continues his rampage. Nicholas and his girlfriend Mac take refuge in Grandpa’s basement, but Santa finds them. They escape on snowmobiles after Santa runs Grandpa over with his rein…buffalo?

 Okaaaaay…moving along.

Nick and Mac realize that Christmas is over in a few hours and decide to hide out in the school (of course). Santa traps them in the ice skating ring and tells them that Christmas is over when he says it is over. Grandpa reappears and we find out that he was the angel who defeated Santa in the first place. Santa escapes, and Grandpa sends Nick and Mac after him. Nick finds the local hunting club, and they all open fire as Santa descends upon the town. Suddenly, he is shot out of the sky by Mac’s father and his trusty bazooka.

I can’t make this up.

VERDICT: Uh…

I have no words. The sad part is that I actually found this movie somewhat entertaining, which tells me I need to drink more. The comical bits were good, and Goldberg really hammed it up as Santa. But the story was meandering with key twists and events happening for no other reason than to shove the action onward blindly in a direction that makes even less sense than the previous scene. It’s worth the watch if you’re feeling THAT ignorant, but you have to realize that you cannot take this movie seriously at all. If you think you are watching a redemption of Silent Night Deadly Night, you are in for a really crappy evening. If you are looking for a simple plot, campy one-liners and live-action cartoonish horror comedy then I can safely say that you give this a look. The big name players (Dave Thomas, Saul Rubinek, and Tiny Lister to name a few) really speaks to the fact that this movie is meant for nothing more than just plain fun.

Just don’t eat anything first. Santa likes his gore.
Advertisements

2 comments on “Santa’s Slay-Ho, Ho, DIE

  1. Wes Smith
    January 21, 2013

    Dude: Andre the Giant in Princess Bride, Roddy Piper in They Live, Hogan in Rocky III, Jesse Ventura in The Running Man and Predator, Triple H in Blade 3 to name some.

    Like

  2. fail-flix
    January 21, 2013

    True, but did any of them make full-blown careers out of it? The Rock is still working for Disney! Not to say that those movies weren't great, but Hogan was also guilty of No Holds Barred and Suburban Commando. Jesse Ventura turned into a politician. Haven't heard a peep out of Triple H, though I don't watch WWE so that doesn't say much. Andre the Giant did Princess Bride, which was EPIC, but he didn't play an action hero. And Ventura's part in Predator was small. Didn't realize he was in Running Man, tho.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on January 21, 2013 by in Cheesy Slasher Flix, Dark, gory, What the Hell?.
Follow Fail-Flix on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 282 other followers

Previously on Fail Flix

%d bloggers like this: