Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Brain Twisters-Mental Status: Retarded

Once again I look to the Gorehouse Greats: a collection of films given to my by my in-laws from the depths of the $5 bin at Best Buy. Twelve movies guaranteed to chill my bones. 

More like guaranteed to give myself a concussion from the atomic face-palm every time I watch one.

Usually these collections have at least one good movie in the mix. Brain Twisters was not it. In fact, even though it was the most recent movie in the box (filmed circa 1991), it was still just as goofy and repugnant as the older cult movies. On top of that, the writer and director made their points so painfully obvious that it was less like watching a movie and more like watching someone whine on their Facebook wall.

 Dr. Phillip Rothman is a professor of neuroscience at a prestigious university. Laurie and her friends are his students. Unbeknownst to them, he is also part of a project run by a major corporation studying various methods of mind control using a sealed booth with a television and what looks like an Atari 2600 flashing colors onto the screen. The end result is his experiments turning into murders when his students start killing each other after seeing flashing lights or hearing certain sounds.

 Of course, enter the debonair Detective Frank Turi.

Turi and Laurie form a fast romantic relationship, and Rothman realizes that he is causing damage at the hands of the corporation. He tries to call it off, but the corporation puts him under mind control. Things begin to go haywire when Michelle, one of Laurie’s friends (and the token slut in the movie) gets into the machine and overdoes things. She is turned into a hideous hissing, serial-killing hag. Dr. Rothman is shot to death by a corporate henchman who is later run over by Turi. Michelle kills the her boyfriend and the CEO of the corporation. Laurie and Turi barely escape Michelle, and the scene fades as they watch her try to reach them through a broken window.

The colors return, this time accompanied by a digital man with a gun dancing around the screen. The camera pans back, and we see a young boy playing a video game on his Atari (have these people not gotten a Super Nintendo yet?!). His mother calls for him, and he bellows back in an insane rage. The end.

Yeah. 

 What sucks the most is that I actually covered the big points of this crap-noir. It took them 92 minutes to tell me a story that could have been told more effectively in less than five minutes. It was like listening to a second-grader tell me about War and Peace.

Or watching Vacancy. Same difference.

VERDICT: LOBOTOMY. 

 This movie made Sense and Sensibility look like a Bruce Willis action movie. I generally watch this crap in the mornings while eating breakfast, and I actually almost nodded off a few times on my feet while watching this. The acting is poor at best, with the only headliner being the fabulously hot Farrah Forke from Wings. No, she does not get naked. In fact, that probably wouldn’t have salvaged this boring 92 minute yawn-fest anyway. Yes, I am saying that boobies would not have helped keep this ship from sinking.

Also, I understand completely that this pile of poo-poo is an indictment of Corporate America. Fine, I get it. But the entire flick is saturated with evil corporate moguls being behind the whole thing. The CEO might as well be wringing his hands incessantly while asking Mr. Smithers to get him another round of Scotch. Then what’s this?! They change gears at the end and make the statement that our minds are being controlled by video games!

 ABSURD.

Look, guys: pick a topic, stay with it. This is why They Live worked so well.

I would rather eat a cake iced with whipped lard from a drunken camel than watch this movie again. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get the oil changed in my Puma before going out on a hooker-killing rampage so I can have mob bosses send me on menial errands that make no sense but grant me cash out of thin air every time I complete one or score a wicked jump (gamers will get the reference).

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This entry was posted on February 6, 2013 by in cheerleader, Classic Fails, Dark, mad scientist, nonsense, robots, science fiction, stupidity.
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