Bad Movies Beware!
A) Great idea, just needs Hollywood backing.
B) Your Mom lied to you. Your movie is just bad. Never do that again. Ever.
I stumbled across this pile of skunk turds whilst perusing Netflix, which seems to be becoming more and more of a Cult-Movie storehouse and less of a movie-lover’s dream come true. Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned is a prime example of why college buddies should never, EVER, get a Sony Handycam and an animation program into their hands. The results can be dangerous. Just looking at the cover should warn you, provided you can look beyond the hot chick they got to pose for it that makes an appearance NOWHERE in the film.
As I’ve stated in the past: I fully accept that student films kind of are what they are, and expecting good production quality is about like expecting a Roland Emmerich movie to last less than three hours and be a romantic comedy. That being said, I’ve seen more floaters than sinkers.
Sam decides to host a bachelor party for his buddy Chuck at a bungalow in the Hamptons that belongs to their buddy Gordon’s uncle. Along for the ride are Paulie and Dan(a.k.a., The Fish). Chuck promises Michelle, his bride to be, that he will not get too crazy during the weekend. Sam arrives and also assures her that he will look out for Chuck. They pick up the other two friends and meet the creepy Gordon at a gas station close to the house. He is irritated with Sam, but has an obvious crush on Chuck.
They finally arrive at a home in the middle of the suburbs…wait a minute(checking description and title). The Hamptons? I’ve never been, but they kept describing a wild party all weekend in the middle of nowhere. Yet, I see neighbors, cars, kids…wtf.
Later on that evening three escorts hired by Sam show up to entertain the boys. One is a chubby redhead, one is a tall brunette, and one is a very muscular and top-heavy black girl with Beyonce issues. They pole dance for the men, then feed Chuck a variety of potions from bottles that look like they were bought at Dollar Tree during Halloween. Chuck goes into an alcoholic stupor and is led off by Red for sex while the other two girls take Paulie and the Fish back to their rooms(Dorm rooms I think, from the looks of things) for some fun. Sam is left alone to answer a manic call from Michelle that she is on her way over.
The next scene shows us the brunette as a skeletal demon who melts Paulie, and the black girl has demon mouths on her boobs that she uses to devour the Fish. Sam walks in on Chuck and red, and tells red that she and her friends have to leave before Michelle gets there. The girls leave(Chuck and Sam are clueless), and the boys ask Gordon to help them clean up. Chuck vomits and passes out, and the three girls return claiming that they are having car trouble. Sam discovers the bodies of Paulie and the Fish, and he takes Chuck and runs just as Michelle arrives. Sam returns for Michelle, and they discover that Chuck is now…a vampire?!
Okay, so I’ve got 3 succubi, a vampire…what’s next?!
Sam and Michelle decide that Red is the Master Vamp and go back to the house after her. Sam succeeds in killing off Brunette and Foxy Brown, but Red is more elusive. He escapes her, and she is taken out by Michelle. They return to find the Chuck is still a vamp. He attacks and kills Michelle.
Sam runs back to the house to find Gordon, who reveals himself as the Master Vamp, but also tells Sam that he is the one who created the Master when he yanked Gordon’s pants down during a photo shoot. No, I’m not kidding. Sam kills Gordon, then himself. He wakes up to find time reversed, Chuck and Michelle safe, and Gordon nowhere to be found. Michelle leaves, and Sam and Chuck begin to walk home when a redneck in a truck tries to run them down.
First off, the director/writer/producer couldn’t even rent a real cabin or bungalow for a weekend to film this horrid pile of s**t, so they just go to a buddy’s house which is, very obviously, in the middle of suburban America. Then, they apparently have a buddy who knows a little something about computer animation and film editing, but never finished school because he got booted out for plagiarizing artwork from Dragonball Z. To put icing on the cake, they found three girls willing to get nude in front of the camera even though one of them is built like Kathy Bates in a whore outfit. The movie is supposed to be a horror comedy in the same vein as Evil Dead 2, but the jokes fall flat and are just silly. Many of them were obviously inside jokes between the cast and crew, so who the hell is supposed to understand them anyway? Even for what it is, this movie stinks like a rancid fart inside a subway car. This movie almost made me kill my Netflix account, but I then remembered that I need it in order to continue my crusade to save everyone from falling victim to underwear skid marks like Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned, Troll 2, and Sex and the City to name a few.
I would rather tongue-kiss a fire-ant hill while having rabid hyperactive saber-toothed guinea pigs with transgender schizophrenic bipolar disorder and bio-mechanical jaws with springs run amok inside my pants while listening to Justin Bieber CDs than watch this movie again.