Bad Movies Beware!

Sand Sharks-Mommy, the beach smells BAD

So the last time I had someone suggest a horror-comedy to me, I ended up with Santa’s Slay. The movie was actually funny as hell in spots, so you can imagine what I expect when I see Sand Sharks billed as a horror-comedy.

The first five minutes of this movie had me drooling because my IQ dropped so low. Never in my life have I had a stronger urge to lick a window on a school bus. There are bad movies, there are horrible movies, and then there are just stupid movies. All of Me, for example (Lily Tomlin is a great lady, but her voice makes me want to kill small woodland creatures). Sand Sharksis a moderate-budget b-movie with all of our well-known clichés firmly in place like a Chastity Belt on the Amish girl-next-door. You have the money-crazed schemer, the good-guy courageous sheriff with a tragic past, the quirky sister/deputy, the uber-sexy doctor who knows everything about all sharks EXCEPT this one, and the token old guy who knows exactly what is going on and exactly how to stop it.
Jimmy (Schemer) returns to the island of White Sands to throw a huge beach party for the college kids on the mainland. His father, the mayor, agrees after Jimmy explains that he wants to use the money from the party to boost the town economy. Meanwhile, Sheriff John Stone and his sister, Brenda, investigate a death on the beach that was perpetrated by a mysterious bad CGI creature we saw in the opening sequence. Stone closes the beach down after another round of bodies (or what’s left of them) show up, much to Jimmy and the Mayor’s dismay. Stone calls Dr. Powers (played by the voluptuous Brooke Hogan), who shows up and finds a baby shark tooth that is larger than the palm of her hand.
Meanwhile, Jimmy continues his plans for the party despite the warnings to stay away. He enlists the help of a group of interns and the local electrician, Sparky. Something takes out the power in town, and the entire cast goes out to see what happened. Powers is on the beach when two large shark fins begin to encircle her, and we then see the sharks in their entirety. These sharks are Sand Sharks. They have the ability to swim in sand as if it were water, and they are animated by(it looks like) the same people who did the monster in Primal.
In other words: BAD.
The shark is a completely obvious cartoon on a live-action backdrop. The mayor gets chomped, and Sparky wanders off to plug the power back in. Who would have thought that the power for an entire island was connected by a single plug just randomly lying on the beach? The writers! Yeah. Sparky becomes dinner, and the shark explodes when it bites down on the plug. The end.
The movie is only halfway over. Please shoot me. The Sandman Festival goes into full swing, and Jimmy is on his way to host when his intern shows up and begins kissing him. Brenda, who is Jimmy’s ex, sees and runs off. Amanda smirks at her, and then becomes shark food. Yup. More of them. Jimmy, with the help of his other interns, covers up the attack so as to not kill the party. Soon sand sharks invade and begin eating party goers left and right. Yes, it is VERY obvious that the director shouted at the extras to just run in all directions randomly. They are maybe twenty yards from the road, and they just run in circles. No, really. Jimmy, Sheriff Stone and Dr. Powers escape the beach and are greeted at the police station by Angus. Angus is the local fisherman who knows what the sharks are and knows how to stop them.
They return to the beach where Angus has set up shop and rig a trap for the sharks to melt the sand into a glass cage. The trap backfires, and Jimmy sacrifices himself to get things back on track. Angus uses a flame thrower to encase the sharks in glass, but Mama Shark shows up and eats him. Stone and Powers escape back into Angus’s bunker, but the shark bursts through the floor to come after them. Stone throws a propane tank in its mouth and jumps out the window while Powers delivers the line of the movie, the one line that the shameless hack of a writer based the WHOLE F**KING MOVIE around: “Eat this, you shark of a bitch!” The explosion killing the shark and raining guts all over the place was drowned out by my agonized groan. Scene change to Jimmy’s trailer where one of his interns is about to become sand shark food. The end.
Please do not make a sequel.
This movie was retarded, plain and simple. What could have been a ridiculous satire on over the top monster movies (such as Eight Legged Freaks) was nothing more than an hour and a half of watching a cast of nobodies make complete dumb-asses of themselves on camera. Honey Boo-Boo and family made more sense than this movie. Watching it was like trying to carry on an intelligent conversation with a poodle. The acting was not bad, but being a complete idiot doesn’t take a lot of effort, either. I’ve seen movies where one character or set of characters is ignorant, but the entire cast?! If sharks every invaded Jersey Shore, I now know exactly what would happen. The only thing I got from this movie was a massive headache and a craving for paste.
I would rather lick the floor of the short bus while being pimp-slapped across the face by a neurotic shaved monkey with paranoid schizophrenia on speed that randomly gives me a purple-nurple than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on March 6, 2013 by in Cheesy Slasher Flix, Monster Fails.
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