The Gingerdead Man-Those Aren’t Chocolate Chips…
Let’s face it: Gary Busey is pretty cool. I saw him at the Monster Party(he doesn’t shake hands, but he’ll fist bump. No worries, he’s really cool about it). While I should have been thinking “Predator 2,” I was in the middle of my cerebral torture with this pile of dookie baked to a crisp golden brown. Chucky was classic. A doll that is possessed by a serial killer and starts offing people. Still weird, but dolls are scary to begin with.
A killer gingerbread man? Jesus.
Millard Findlemeyer is holding up a local diner, and has killed everyone but Sarah Leigh(in case you haven’t noticed, everyone in the movie is named after a food brand. Yeah, I know.). Her fear and her beauty make him leave her alive, but she testifies against him and sends him to the electric chair anyway.
Fast forward two years, and Sarah is now running her family’s bakery with her mother. A new corporate place is opening across the street, and the sleazoid CEO is wanting to give Sarah $50k to shut down and go away. She refuses, and he indicates his daughter, Lorna, who is the token b**chy cheerleader in the movie, and says that he can do for Sarah what he’s done for her. Sarah shoots him down and storms off to finish the gingerbread man she had started.
After cutting the giant cookie out and putting it into her walk-in oven (never seen one IRL, but hey) she finds Lorna setting a rat free in the bakery. They fight, and Lorna’s boyfriend Amos shows up to break them apart. Sarah shoves Lorna into the main power lever for the shop and it short circuits, sending lightening into the oven. Amos and Sarah pull the pan out to find the gingerbread man gone…or is he?
Enter the walking talking homicidal Millard Findlemeyer, now as a killer cookie. The rest of the movie takes place inside the bakery as Gingerdead hunts the characters down. Sarah’s mother gets her finger lopped off, Sarah’s best friend Julia gets knocked out and decorated like a woman cake, and Lorna’s father gets crushed by his own car right before Lorna gets a well-deserved knife to the forehead.
During the madness we find out that Amos and Sarah were childhood sweethearts, and they rekindle their relationship. This plot point simply works to keep Amos alive, and does not affect the rest of the movie at all.
In fact, it was forced in with all the grace of an anal probe wielded by Jason Voorhees.
Brick returns in a final combat scene and tackles the Gingerdead Man, holding him down while he eats him. Julia and Sarah’s mother escape, but Brick becomes possessed by Millard and attacks Sarah. Amos and Sarah shove him into the oven and bake him alive.
The next week they hold a bake sale in front of the bakery. A nurse shows up with a box of gingerbread men left by a mysterious old lady. Credits.
VERDICT: FEED IT TO THE BIRDS!
It was painfully obvious that the bulk of the budget for this movie went to getting Gary Busey to play the bad guy. The brief CGI of the Gingerdead Man coming to life looks like it was copied and pasted onto the print from the internet. Also, I’m still trying to figure out where the gingerdead mix came from (Googles and does research).
AH. Millard’s mother got his ashes and mixed them into the gingerbread, then dropped them off at Sarah’s bakery.
HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!
This movie bills itself as a dark comedy, but I’m still trying to see what’s funny about it. Gary Busey does his best with bad writing, but the only line in the movie worth the high-dollar toilet paper for clean-up is: “Well, I sure ain’t the Pillsbury f**kin’ Doughboy!”
Robin Sydney(Sarah) has also been diagnosed with Kristen Stewartitis. It’s a rare disease that forces your facial muscles into one expression and robs you of any acting ability whatsoever. The icing on the cake? There are two sequels. No, really. Two. I have one. It might never get watched, but I have part 2. Let’s see: “The Passion of the Crust.”
No, thank you. Gingerbread gives me the squirts.
I would rather be punched in the face by the Sunbeam Bread girl after having jumper cables attached to my nipples by the Pillsbury Doughboy while the Hostess crams snack cakes up my a** and uses an electric mixer on my groin than watch this movie again.