Slices of Life-Tales from the Dumb Side
I can remember Saturday nights as a kid when my family and I would settle down on the couch to watch Tales from the Dark Side and Monsters. Then Tales from the Crypt came out, creating a trifecta of campy television horror mayhem and entertainment. I was a big fan of Tales from the Dark Side, in particular.
Apparently, so was this guy.
Slices of Life is proof that, once again, just being a fan with friends and access to cameras and make-up doesn’t mean you can write/direct a movie.
Mira is an amnesiac who uses a very macabre-looking sketchbook to remind herself about things in her life when she has spells of memory loss. Her book, entitled “Work Life,” is her only key to her memories. Her boss, Irma, and Marv the janitor tell her to watch the front desk of the motel they live in while she goes over her book. This is the intro to the first story, “W.O.R.M.”
Yeah, I don’t know what it means, either. The movie didn’t elaborate.
William is a lonely Mr. Fix-it that works at Nimrod Corporation. He works in solitude at a desk down in the storage catacombs of the building, and is rejected by everyone in the office as he is a socially inept outsider. He visits an online dating site and is rejected by every woman, including the sixty-year-old hag. While up in the office doing his rounds and getting socially rejected and abused by everyone, he overhears a colleague talking to the boss about a new program that can transmit neural suggestions to people through email, thus making them susceptible to slight mind control. The boss rejects the idea and throws it in the garbage. Will digs it out and uses it on the dating sight. Of course, he picks the hag. She has a sudden change of heart and has webcam sex with him. The keyboard becomes skin, and the mouse becomes a vagina.
Yeah, totally would’ve been better had he not picked Granny Whorebucks.
Suddenly the geriatric ginger turns into a zombie and attacks the webcam, screaming his name. Come to find out he also sent the email all over the office, turning the entire staff into zombies obsessed with him. Will hides in the parking garage and finds the homely secretary who likes him. She is about to kiss him when a guy in a HAZ-MAT suit shoots her in the head and takes him into custody. Will is locked away, screaming that he doesn’t want to be alone anymore.
Mira sees a newscast that Nimrod Corp. has had a major bio-hazard outbreak. Whispers suddenly come through telling her it’s real…wait a minute. Okay, so the director thinks that the viewer is dumb as a stump, so he has to broadcast the hidden little hints out where there’s no mistake. Wow.
Mira’s sketchbook suddenly changes, and is now called “Home Life.”
The next tale is called Amber Alert. It was actually an improvement over W.O.R.M., but it still had its issues. Fortunately, the issues were technical. It’s a story done to death, but still cool either way.
Vonda is a pregnant woman who’s husband is a police officer. She is concerned because she is due in a week, and there have been several cases of young girls being kidnapped, killed and tossed into the river. She has a baby shower at her house while her husband is off at work. During the shower a young girl named Rebecca has gone missing. Vonda’s friends advise her to get some rest, and she takes a nap while they clean and leave.
When she wakes up, she sees shadows of young girls around the house. A young girl is in the back yard, and when Vonda approaches the girl’s face turns demonic and distorted. Vonda runs back into the house just as Lamont comes home from work. She tells him there is a girl in the back yard, but he goes out back and finds nothing. He checks the workshop, then locks it and hangs the key around his neck.
Soon Vonda is being chased by the ghosts of the little dead girls found in the river as she tries to go shopping, clean the house, or even go out walking. More and more she sees Lamont behaving strangely until one night when she notices him leaving the workshop and locking it, looking around as if making sure he is not being watched.
That night, Lamont tries to sleep with Vonda, but she turns him away. He becomes angry and tries to rape her, but she fights him and takes the key from around his neck. He chases her outside, then is attacked by the car. It stops, and he gets in to try and take control when the car suddenly starts and drives away with him in it. The little girl from earlier, Ally, reaches around from the back seat and grabs him, flipping the car several times.
Vonda takes the key and opens the workshop to find a white van inside. Inside the van she finds Rebecca in a trunk, hungry but alive. Lamont turns back up and attacks, but Ally shows up and turns into a monster. Lamont is thrown back into the wall and a sledgehammer falls on his face crushing his skull. Ally tells Vonda that she is her unborn daughter, and that they are free.
Campy, done to death, but I’ll take it.
Back at the ranch, Mira gets a visit from a young girl and her mother. The whispers inform me(because I’m so stupid I can’t put two and two together) that the girl and the mother are from the story.
The book is now entitled “Sex Life.”
Now it gets interesting.
Susan is a young girl living with her brother and uncle in an apartment. Eric, the brother, calls and says that he will be home soon. The uncle, Jack, uses the opportunity to rape Susan(a regular thing, apparently). Eric comes home as Jack is doing the deed and tackles him. Susan knocks Jack out with a large iron skillet, and she and Eric flee.
Meanwhile, a young girl is tied up and locked away by her father in the basement of a house. He then goes upstairs and carves a dead boy in the bathtub into pieces and loads the trash bags into the trunk of his car. He is driving away when he finds a branch laying across the road. He tries to move it, but falls and knocks himself out.
Susan and Eric happen across the man and take him to the hospital. According to his I.D., he is Edgar. Susan and Eric go back to the house and find Elizabeth in the basement. They take her upstairs, and she tells them that her aunt showed up and her father went crazy, taking her away from her brother and mother while mumbling something about a family curse.
Elizabeth goes off to take a shower, and she and Eric make eyes at each other as she leaves. Susan and Eric decide to pack a few things for the road.
Edgar wakes up at the hospital and tells the nurse that his son was killed. He gets his clothes and has the nurse arrange a ride home for him.
Eric is in the bedroom getting some sheets when he sees a very naked Elizabeth step out of the shower. She advances on him, seducing him. They fall to the bed and begin to roll around, and he puts his fingers in her. He begins to scream as he pulls his hand back to find that his fingers have been chewed off. Elizabeth flips him over and begins screeching as she straddles him and begins to devour him…with her crotch.
What. The. F**k.
Edgar bursts in and finds Elizabeth on the remains of Eric and shoots her in the head. Susan comes in and kills Edgar with a sledgehammer. She mourns over Eric, then sees Elizabeth’s body twitch. The body is dragged to the wall, and a direct rip-off of the Alien chest-burster shoots out of the dead girl’s hoo-haa and flies like a bullet into Susan’s hoo-haa.
Someone has seen Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.
In the next scene Susan shows up at Jack’s place and seduces him. As she forces him back into the apartment and closes the door, we hear the screeching and see blood pool on the floor.
Mira is suddenly approached by a drunk man asking for a room for a few hours. He is followed by Susan, who says that they will definitely need clean-up.
Yes, thank you, whispers. I got that. It’s her. Go play in traffic.
Mira then goes into a room and finds Irma and Marv in the middle of a ritual. Irma tells Mira(yeah, it’s going where you think it is) that she drew all of the stories, just like she drew Mira. Mira is to be host to a new younger body for Irma. Mira stabs Irma, but electricity shoots from the wound into Mira’s mouth.
Mira returns to the front desk, now dressed in a nightgown and obviously inhabited by Irma.
What a shocker. I need a drink.
VERDICT: THROW IT INTO A DARK BOTTOMLESS PIT.
It’s really sad when movies or stories have potential. It’s even worse when that potential is put into the hands of someone who writes with all the finesse of George Lucas. Like I said earlier, I was a big fan of Tales from the Dark Side, but not enough to poop on it like an incontinent gorilla with mommy issues.
Though the first segment was bad and the second was only okay, the third segment was the one that raised an eyebrow. A young girl, possessed by the creature of Ridley Scott’s nightmares, eats and mutilates a young boy with her vagina. Wow, whatcha gettin’ at there, Mr. Writer? And it’s contagious?! Did I really see this?! (Rewinds scene and plays again while peeking between fingers of epic face-palm). Yup, there goes the Snatch-Maggot flying across the room and up Susan’s dress. Didn’t dream it. I have now seen it all.
On the bright side…no, the main segment sucked too. Mira has no memory, so she reads a book about three people that have nothing to do with her so she can remember her life. Makes total sense! So if I get cracked on the noggin’, I want someone to make me watch 2012 and tell me that we survived that!
Or just let me enjoy my coma. Yeah. Hard to watch this movie if I’m in a coma.
I would rather have the fleas of a thousand mangy camels infest my nose hairs while psychotic rabid wasps swarm my groin at a nudist colony where it’s senior week and standing room only in the cafeteria during tae-bo aerobics hour than watch this movie again.