Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

In Search of Lovecraft-He’s in His Grave, Spinning

The “Found Footage” genre has really taken off, giving the right movies a realistic and documentary-ish feel.  Made famous by such gems as The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, man films are starting to use it as a way to break the barrier between the audience and the screen.

Unfortunately, it’s also given every a**hole with a digital camcorder, too much time on their hands, and friends outside of their Mother’s basement the ability to shoot a movie on the cheap.
Rebecca is a rookie (and cute) reporter given a fluff story to do on H.P. Lovecraft for a Halloween piece.  Her camera man, Mike, is coaching her on and trying to get her to be more enthusiastic about the piece.  Her intern, Amber, is a dimwit teenager who wants to be an actress and flirts with Mike incessantly.
Yes.  She is also cute.  Then she speaks.  The horror.
After interviewing a crowd of people at a local party who have not one clue about who Lovecraft is, she interviews Professor Sutton.  She can’t keep a straight face during the interview, and Sutton gives her the name of a local occultist who can prove that Lovecrafts demons, including one call Nyarlathotep, actually exist.
Dr. D’Souza is a creepy dude, but also the best actor in the movie alongside Mike.  He tells Rebecca that she is dancing in dangerous waters, and assures her that the occult is very real.  He talks her into visiting an old woman in the asylum, and they meet only to discover that the woman is almost catatonic, repeating the “Hail Mary” prayer over and over again.  D’Souza calms her, and she explains that she was driven mad after watching a video she found at a house.
After a few days of whining about the story and running into dead ends, Rebecca and Mike are called to Prof. Sutton’s apartment by D’Souza.  Sutton is dead and barbecued in his kitchen due to a magic spell.
Feel free to begin bashing your head against a wall.  It only gets worse.
Mike, Rebecca and Amber take a road trip to the house the old woman talked about…wait a minute.  How is Mike filming the car pulling up?  He’s driving?!  Who the…
It’s not “Found Footage,” it’s not traditional cinema.  It’s BOTH.
Amber is yanked out of the car by an unseen monster, and cultists with glowing eyes begin to show up.  Mike and Rebecca flee, but return later after mourning Amber’s loss (I mourned her too.  About as much as one can mourn a possum in heavy traffic).  At the house during the daytime hours they meet Keja, a local witch who also used to be the lover of Dr. D’Souza.
Okay, so he’s a very LUCKY creepy dude.
Turns out that there is a stone that they need to get to before Nyarlathotep does.  Otherwise, he’ll be able to come into our world freely and enslave all of humankind.         
That night Mike loses his mind and shoots himself after Rebecca and Keja find D’Souza dead in his office chair.  Keja makes a circle in the living room to protect them from demonic attack, and James shows up and tells Rebecca that he misses her and should have never left.
WHO THE F**K IS JAMES?!

After visits from Amber and D’Souza, both now demons, Rebecca is attacked by Zombie Mike.  She cuts him down with a sword and takes a blueprint out of his pocket.  This breaks the circle, and Keja is dragged off by an squid tentacle.  
No, really.  No, I’m not joking.  Watch it, I got $5 says she was.  
Rebecca uses the map to locate the local light house, the location of the rock.  She climbs to the top and opens a chest, a golden glow consuming her.
In the next scene, two orderlies are standing above her bed talking about her case.  She had been found trying to dig her own eyes out, and is expected to remain in the hospital until she gives birth.
The end of what seems like a story told by a hyperactive preschooler on speed.
VERDICT: 
BANISHED TO THE WASTELAND OF GODZILLA’S LOWER INTESTINE.  
As if the acting, the story, and the writing weren’t bad enough, the director just couldn’t decide if he wanted to do a “Found Footage” film or a traditional one.  So he did both.  “Ah, why not.  Nobody’ll notice.”  
I DID, YA PUTZ.

Same rule goes for writing.  NEVER switch back and forth between 1st Person and 3rd Person.  It ruins the story, and makes you look like an a**hole.  It also helps if you get people who have had acting experience outside of their family reunions at Christmas time as well as writers who can at least write their names and what they want to eat from Pizza Hut in a way that is not random and aimless.  Not that Renee Sweet isn’t cute and all, but talent goes a long way.  Kind of like dogs with personality.  
I would rather be given a habanero pepper juice enema and snort itching powder in cocaine rows while having my moobs punched by a rabid kangaroo with mommy issues.
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This entry was posted on April 16, 2013 by in Dark, science fiction, Supernatural Silliness.
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