Another Gay Movie-I am Scarred for LIFE.
As if having the screaming s**ts wasn’t bad enough, I decide to torture myself with this week’s load of donkey stool while laid up on the couch waiting for my next nuclear deposit into the porcelain vault.
One of my good friends is gay, and enjoyed my review on The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror so much that he suggested that I seek out another gay film to review.
I WILL GET HIM FOR THIS.
Four friends, gay of course, decide that if their lesbian friend Muffler can sleep with half the cheerleading squad, then they can manage to get laid over the summer. They make a pact to lose their virginity before summer is over…wait a f**king minute.
OH GOD, IT’S AMERICAN PIE.
Yes, friends! After watching half of the movie, this is a scene-for-scene remake of American Pie, right down to sex with a pastry. The difference: EVERYONE is gay or has homosexual tendencies.
I have to know what the hell the writers think when they are penning this crap. I mean, I know my thought process and my writing process. Not once has a gay little gremlin sat on my shoulder and whispered in my ear: “Do this, it’ll be fabulous!”
Now I’m not knocking the gay community. I am so pro-equality it’s not funny. But what the hell is wrong with you people?! All I ask for is ONE DECENT MOVIE.
Muffler, the lesbian version of Stiffler, is the only character that makes this weird underwear stain watchable, and I still only made it halfway before I finally had to call it quits. I’m secure in my manhood and all, but the last thing I want to see in f**king HD is some dude’s bare sausage. Let alone in a close-up.
I consider it an achievement that I actually made it beyond getting eyeball-raped by rainbows and flowers during the opening credits.
Let’s be real for a minute: I can generally sit through anything. I sat through Troll 2 AND Battlefield Earth. But if I can’t even get halfway through your movie, you’ve either offended me (and that is a hell of an accomplishment) or your movie is so bad it’s actually making me consider giving up on film altogether and joining a monastery just so I never again have to be subjected to the drivel that you unceremoniously shat onto that poor innocent film that did nothing but love you and hope to be the tapestry upon which you paint your masterpiece.
Not the toilet paper you used to wipe your a**.
This movie is a prime example as to what happens when you green-light projects while high on crack. Seriously, why has no-one been sued? And there are sequels! Yes, ladies and gentlemen: SEQUELS. I guess the first one wasn’t bad enough, so they had to emphasize it by spending money and time on making a continuation of the horror.
Do I regret watching it? Do I wish I had never come across it? At this point, I only wish that I could un-see things that have caused me pain and suffering.
I would rather have my junk encased in a jar full of schizophrenic hornets with rage issues and genetically altered stingers the size of toothpicks while being slapped in the face with a tennis racket by an emotionally distraught hyper-active clown on speed than watch this movie again.