Osombie-Bin Laden is a Zombie…and so are the Actors
This tale of gut-wrenching stupidity came as a suggestion from one of the many fans (you guys are awesome!) on the Facebook page. She is one of many die-hard zombie fanatics, so if she is saying that this movie is bad, she might be on to something:
A GIGANTIC UNDERSTATEMENT.
I mean I get it: a lot of Americans aren’t really over the 9/11 attacks and want a shot at Bin Laden, even though he’s deader than Kristin Stewart’s facial expression. This is very apparent with this movie: the plot is not a whole lot more than going after Bin Laden with a twist: he’s a walker. He’s Bin Laden with a taste for human flesh.
The movie opens with an attack on Bin Laden’s hideout in Afghanistan. Soldiers infiltrate and shoot the place up. Bin Laden awakens from his sleep and injects himself with a serum just before being shot dead by the American troops. As they are shipping him out by chopper he returns from the dead and kills them all, then washes ashore and begins his trek across the desert turning anyone he comes across into a zombie.
Deep, I know.
Scene-change to a small squad of American troops sent on a top secret mission by the government to destroy the zombie plague in the Middle East. They are set upon instantly by a group of walkers and take to the best tactic that they can muster: the “Stand-in-the-middle-and-shoot-in-all-directions” tactic.
God knows watching them shoot was better than watching them act. Jesus, it was like watching a bad soap opera in monotone starring iRobot and the Stepford Wives.
One of them takes of his shirt for the occasion. I guess he’s Team Jacob because he almost refuses to put it back on for the rest of the movie. Another one, Tomboy, is a lollipop-popping pony-tailed blonde who also just so happens to be a samurai warrior. She gets tired of shooting and proceeds to slice-and-dice through the horde.
Joker, the comedy relief in the movie (and I use that term with all intended sarcasm), spouts of bad jokes the entire time. Besides his jokes, the dialogue is not much more than “Look out!” and “Let’s move!”
There is a video game called Dead Rising where the player can choose how they want to play the game: Either following one of many story lines, or just trying to see how many zombies they can kill in a set amount of time. The writer and director of Osombie opted for the latter, and the bulk of the film is shootouts between the soldiers and zombies. One human dies in every encounter, and the fighting is broken up by relentless montages of the group trudging through the desert.
After about ten minutes of this we meet Dusty, who is in Afghanistan looking for her crazy brother. Derek was a fire fighter during 9/11, and his entire troop was killed when the buildings went down. He lost his mind and vowed to kill Bin Laden himself. He flies to Afghanistan in search of the supposedly dead Al Qaeda leader.
Okay, now it’s getting a plot. A bad one, but I’ll take it.
Dusty joins our military friends to find her brother, and is now an extra character in the fights and montages. One scene after the death of Joker (no big loss) shows that the director was suddenly inspired by Kevin Smith. Two of the characters, Chapo and Chip, are caught up in very casual conversation while Tomboy goes to work on a group of zombies with her sword.
Fast forward because the movie drags like this up until the last ten minutes or so. We finally get inside the Al Qaeda base and discover that Bin Laden is alive-ish and sitting in chains with his men. They open fire on Derek, Dusty, and Chip. Dusty and Chip run for it to escape an air strike, but Derek stays behind and shoots Bin Laden in the face with a bazooka. The base blows up, the air strike calls off due to the apparent self-destruction of the place, and Dusty and the group are taking Derek for dead.
As the group is walking into the sunset, Derek reappears and starts chatting them up. They walk into the horizon in pleasant conversation as the credits begin to roll.
I understand the concept of using casual conversation as a comedic move to lighten the tone of a scene in a movie, but it only works when certain people do it in certain movies. This is not one of those movies.
I will say this: The CGI and make-up effects were excellent. The zombies were over-the-top gruesome, and the effects of their heads getting blown off (though torn right from the source code in Resident Evil) was highly entertaining.
That is about where the entertainment ended.
The acting was sub par even for what it is. Tomboy telling a dying Joker “I was gonna have your babies” was about as believable as the Carolina Panthers ever going back to Super Bowl and about as random as The Sweetest Thing.
WAIT! I know what happened here.
If Kristen Stewart and Keanu Reeves had babies, then these actors would all be brother and sister. And the girl that played Tomboy was AMAZING in that she NEVER messed up her perfect make-up no matter how many zombies she took out. Maybe it’s her secret.
Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If you want to completely turn off your brain and drool on your Mickey pajamas while the nice lady feeds you Jell-o, go for it. Me, I’d rather brush my teeth with a toothbrush made from poison oak and the hairs off a camel’s hindquarters than watch this movie again.