Thankskilling: Turkey Stuffed with S**t
I got this suggestion from a new fan on the Facebook page whilst at a Girl Scout tour of the police station (and hoping that the cops forgot that little incident with the fountain and the pineapple bra. Long story.). This movie is a gem.
MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF POO.
This s**t-stain opens with a screen-filling shot of a nipple. We pan out and find that (surprise!) said nipple is attached to a breast. Keep panning out, and we get a topless pilgrim running for her life through the woods (hey, kids! It’s Wanda Lust!).
By the way, this is the boob shot in the movie. The entire movie.
She backs into a tree as a ball of feathers with a nasty-looking skin tag approaches. Yes, it is the Turkey: the most vicious Muppet ever to be created. And the cheapest. Ah hell, it looks like someone took a feather duster, inverted a mutated rubber vagina and glued a beak and eyeballs onto it, then smacked it together and rammed a hand up it’s a**.
Yes. I went there.
The Turkey expresses his approval of the Pilgrim’s breasts, then hacks her up with an ax. The opening credits begin with a bass-line, some keyboard and guitar, and a turkey-gobble in the background. I begin mainlining heroin just so I can make it through this atrocity.
The heroin has no effect. This movie still hurts.
Five college buddies get together after class lets out to discuss their Thanksgiving vacation. We have Johnny (The Jock), Kristen (The Good Girl), Darren (The Nerd), Billy (The morbidly obese hick), and Ali (The SLUT). Yeah, another all caps. She makes Madonna look like a prude.
They set off to Kristen’s house to meet up with her redneck, backwoods, inbred father who sports a personality best suited for Hee-Haw! and a mustache that is as fake as the hair on William Shatner’s head. He is an idiot.
Yup, that about covers it for him. No, really.
The kids run into car trouble and decide to camp for the night and continue on tomorrow. Darren recognizes the area as the site of an ancient curse that was cast by an Indian Witch Doctor centuries ago. On a certain night (tonight) at a certain time (now) under certain conditions (like the old nameless Redneck’s dog urinating on a totem pole the size of a tube of Neosporin) a vengeful and murderous Turkey will rise and kill everyone it comes across.
Oh, the dog thing. Right. Yeah, I can’t make this up. Apparently all Turkey needed was a little dog pee and he’s up and killing in no time, starting with the dog. The old man vows vengeance.
I vow to find out how many headache pills I can take without dying.
The Turkey surprises Kristen while she is making a call to her father, and she tries to warn the others. Of course, no one believes her (Johnny tries, but backs off to flirt with Ali).
The next day they head into town. Ali is dropped off at her house for her family Thanksgiving, and the others split up to do the same, though it’s not real clear where Kristen, Darren, and Billy go. Johnny comes home and is visited by Turkey, who kills both of his parents and tosses Dad’s head at Johnny. Johnny escapes and calls the others. They hurry to Ali’s house, but she is preoccupied while they scramble across town.
She’s having fully clothed sex with her cousin.
This goes back to what I screamed about in Dreamaniac. Screwing up fake sex is one thing, but this tops the cake. Both have their pants on, she’s on all fours, and her skirt isn’t pulled up. The director didn’t even try. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot.
THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH A CAMCORDER CAN DO.
Turkey kills the cousin/boyfriend, then finishes the deed on Ali (yes, it is as gross and repugnant as it sounds). He then breaks her neck and leaves.
He next shows up at Kristen’s house in disguise. He is wearing a Groucho Marx glasses and nose. Kristen’s dad answers the door wearing a chicken suit, and invites Turkey in thinking that he’s a friend of Kristen’s.
They have an awkward discussion about the weather, then Turkey kills him off and puts on his face just as Kristen and her friends arrive.
Kristen, upon seeing her father’s face on Turkey, reacts true to the retarded nature of this movie: “Daddy!”
WHAT THE F**K?!
Wait a minute, wait just one damn minute. You mean to tell me that this b***h is so stupid that she actually fails to notice that her dad is now two feet tall, has feathers and plumage, and f**king stitches in his face?! Oh, her friends are just as stupid. “Hi, Sheriff Roud!”
GOD HELP ME.
The four friends find a book in the Sheriff’s library that details how to kill Turkey. Turkey wanders by, still dressed in Sheriff Roud’s face, and checks in on them. They tell him that they are fine and Kristen thanks him for having them over.
Billy attempts to leave, and catches Turkey dragging Sheriff Roud’s body through the house. He calls to the others, and they tackle Turkey and steal his talisman. Turkey is now defenseless against the spell they need to chant to rid him of his invincibility.
Billy says he quits and leaves, but is ambushed outside by Turkey and killed after eating a cartoon hallucination of a turkey.
Darren runs to Billy’s body, and there is of full montage indicating that Darren had a gay thing for Billy. Nope. Sorry, man. Straight dudes do not hold hands and frolic in flower fields while chasing birds.
You’re a bottom.
The three corner Turkey at his teepee (Yes, there just so happens to be a teepee pitched in the front yard of Suburban America). They cast the demonic spell, then try to kill him. Before Turkey can escape the old redneck shows up and shoots him in the face, sending him flying into a dumpster.
The kids thank the man, then decide to go to Kristen’s house to watch movies for the evening. No, seriously. Kristen and Johnny become boyfriend and guh…girlfriend (you have to watch it to get it, I’ll post a Youtube clip or something), and Darren goes to the kitchen.
That dumpster, that curbside green residential dumpster in the middle of Suburbia, JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE A BIO-HAZARDOUS WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT!!! The toxic waste brings Turkey back to life as Kristen suddenly remembers that Turkey is supposed to be burned at the stake. Darren opens the fridge and is attacked by the now chemically charged mutated Turkey. Johnny enters, but Turkey stabs him in the gut and leaves him to die.
Kristen vows vengeance for Johnny’s death and goes outside to find that there JUST SO HAPPENS to be a pile of wood set up in the yard like a scene from the Salem Witch Trials. She lights it, and Turkey appears. She punt-kicks Turkey into the fire and he burns to death, flinging a random perfectly-cooked drumstick into the yard. Kristen picks it up and begins to eat as the old redneck comes back and tells her good job.
As if I haven’t suffered enough…
Scene change to a family having dinner. The cooked turkey on the table begins to rumble, and Turkey’s voice echos in the house: “Do I smell a sequel?!”
To be continued…in space…
VERDICT: MY BRAIN HATES ME.
The director/writer figured that he could market this movie if he promised a porn star topless in the opening shot. This weird brown stain in Cinema’s underwear was shat onto film on a meager budget of $3500. I have no doubt in my mind that $3000 of it went to Wanda Lust, and $499 was spent on a keg of beer and huge amounts of pizza for the cast and crew.
$1 went to the feather duster to create Turkey. Yes, this means that some idiot was brave enough to put his hand in some other dude’s rubber vagina to help bring Turkey to life for the screen.
The Sony Handycam was a Christmas present from Mom.
“Don’t film anything perverted or f**ked up, honey!”
“I won’t mom! Instead I’ll make a movie with a bunch of my friends who have ZERO personality! We’ll make it about a serial killing turkey!”
“That’s nice, honey.”
The acting is absolutely horrid. The “guh…girlfriend” bit is how she actually says the line. Chick, did ya even memorize them, or are you reading a teleprompter?! Each character is cast in a stereotype, but Billy seems to be the only one who actually gets it right, and he still screws it up.
DEAR GOD, THERE ARE SEQUELS…
I would rather be beaten in the face with a frozen turkey neck and have my inner thighs turbo-sanded with heavy grit sandpaper while having my armpits waxed with hot road tar by a schizophrenic hyper-active chimpanzee on speed than watch this movie again.