Bloodrayne: The Third Reich-Utter Shiesse
I have always had a very strict “No Uwe Boll” rule. I am an old-school Bloodrayne fan, having played both games (The original Bloodrayne on GameCube and Bloodrayne 2 on the original Xbox), and I was STOKED that a movie was being made.
Until I found out that it was basically shot with a camera phone.
And Kristanna Loken. Eek.
Ever since then, coupled with Boll’s rendition of House of the Dead which actually tossed up high scores during combat sequences, I have always turned up my nose at his crap. NEVER have I seen a good review for one of his movies that had any merit.
Apparently he also knows that his movies suck and just refuses to admit so. It shows in this, the third installment of his highly loathed Bloodrayne series. The dialogue was recorded so low that I actually had to turn the sound all the way up, and it was still hard to understand.
Ah. That could be a reason.
NONE OF THE GERMANS HAVE A GERMAN ACCENT.
Now, I forgave the half-and-half French accents in Man in the Iron Mask because it was actually a fun movie to watch. No great, but still a favorite of mine. But when even the director is German, I expect some German-speaking Nazis. I mean, really.
Rayne spends her days hunting Nazis for the Brimstone Society. She encounters a train taking a shipment of Jews to a camp, and hijacks it along with a group of rebels. She bites the Commandant, and he turns into a Damphir: a half-human, half-vampire like herself.
Later, after some brief and pointless damn-near silent dialogue, Rayne visits a brothel for some fun while a German Mad Scientist devises a plan to take her blood and give it to Hitler so that he can live forever.
Meanwhile, after Rayne’s gratuitous girl-on-girl scene, she leaves her room and fights all of the Nazis who are inside the bordello. No, there is no real reason. As far as I can tell from the body language, one of the ladies tattled that she was there.
The entire movie plays out like this, feeling less like a film and more like in-game cinema sequences. The scenes are all chopped up and haphazardly spliced back together, and Boll’s obsession with seeing the sultry video game character do dirty things on both sides of the field is painfully obvious. I mean, come on man.
The sex scenes in the Friday the 13th movies were more pertinent than this.
The acting is bad…really bad. How hard is it to drop f-bombs on camera? Hell, Boll and his minions even screw that one up. Also, the little details that nag at me…
LIKE THE FACT THAT RAYNE’S SWORDS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ATTACHED TO HER ARMS, YOU DOUCHE.
Has he even PLAYED the games? Silent Hill-great game-to-film movie! Resident Evil-not bad at all! Assassin’s Creed-VERY slick short film! But NO. Boll fought hard and won the rights to do a Bloodrayne film, and he’s been screwing the pooch ever since.
Anyway, Rayne and the rebels eventually get into a battle with the bad guys, and all of the bad guys die. Yeah, really. That nice and neat. You know, with all of the mythology surrounding the character, one would think that the director (a.k.a., Uwe Boll “Of Stinking S**T”) would have at least done some research.
Turns out, he just wanted to make video game porn.
When studios started really pumping out the video game movies, guess who placed a bid on EVERY LAST STINKING ONE OF THEM?!
You guessed it. Boll.
This is a man who should be barred from ever making a movie. But no. Somewhere out there are enough people who actually like this crap (damned masochists, I reckon) enough to merit him making more crap.
It’s almost like the DVD shelf is a waste water storage area, and he’s just adding to the smell. When I saw the cover, I had to take a second look because it almost looked like he had cast a drag queen as Rayne. The jaw on that chick would make a T-Rex blush!
The story was incredibly weak, with holes in it as big as the Grand Canyon. It probably would’ve helped if I could actually have heard the dialogue, but I guess that’s too much to ask.
I dare say that Super Mario Bros. was better than this movie.
I would rather pour boiling wax down into the front of my shorts while standing in a tub of hallucinating scorpions with caffeine addictions than watch this movie again.