Bad Movies Beware!

A Brush with Death-Like, Totally Lame. Totally.

Going on week 3 with no day off, and I’m wiped.  Nonetheless, I said I would get this week’s review done and I do what I say I’m going to do.

Unfortunately, the writer/director of this pile of monkey poop does not.
Cheerleaders are awesome, right guys?  Let’s just get that out into the open right now.  But movie cheerleaders?  Yeah, about the only thing they have going for them is looks.  Brains?  Hell no.  
God forbid they start talking.  Makes you actually WANT Jason Voorhees to show up.
Five high school cheerleaders (read twenty year-olds.  Yeah, Hollywood actually frowns on hacking up real teens.  Go fig) decide to take a trip to a mansion out in the country for the weekend.  Along the way they run out of gas and are assisted by Caleb and his creepy pervert boss.  Caleb is slow and stutters, often being called “retard” throughout the train wre…movie.  
We cut to a scene where Caleb picks up two hitch hikers, a hipster couple traveling the road.  He takes them to the gas station where Creep-O waits.  The hipster boyfriend gets a bullet to the brain pan, and ol’ girl gets tied up and stars in her own porno photo shoot courtesy of the Creep.  
We flash back to the road.  It was one of Caleb’s memories. 
Settle in, this kind of nonsense happens a lot.
The girls are back on the road, fun times in the summer heat on the way.  They pass by an old decrepit mansion on the way, but keep going since it isn’t their summer hideaway.  
Once they get to the house, they are greeted by Rankin, a local boy looking for some fun.  They invite him along for a swim and a game of truth or dare.  While the other girls are changing, Rankin moves in on Samantha and they begin to make out.  Suddenly he begins to throttle her.
Nope.  Just a fantasy.  Moving on.
In fact, by now we are forty minutes into an 88 minute long movie.  No s**t.  Literally NOTHING happens in this movie until the last twenty minutes.  We get a few “oh, that character got gotten” moments, but they’re gore-less in a movie about a schmuck who paints with people’s blood.
Oh, for f**k’s sake, where’s the damn remote?!
Anyway, Candice ends up missing, and the others go on to bed after Amber pulls a practical joke.  Yes, their friend is missing and they stay clueless. 
Like totally.
They all finally end up at the Rue house where a boy killed his brother and family and painted their portraits with their blood.  He’s all grown up now, and is more than happy to have Samantha, Creep-O, Candice, Megan, and Hilary over for dinner.  Of course, after he’s drained them all dry.
Amber is brought in by Caleb, who is Old Man Rue’s son.  Caleb turns on his father, professing love for Amber (wtf did this come from?!).  She escapes and is picked up by Rankin, who promises to take her to safety…after getting off the phone with Old Man Rue.
The end.
“Mommy, I’m bored.  Can I go play in traffic?”  This movie had more plot directions than War and Peace.  I’m slightly ADHD, and watching this pile of steaming dog turds was almost as confusing at times as a variety show.  One minute the plot’s here, then it runs down a secret tunnel and launches into outer space only to land back on Earth right over there.
It’s a thriller!  It’s a slasher flick!  It’s a teen scream!
It’s gorilla stool on a stick.
The acting was horrendous, the lines being delivered with less emotion than Russell Crowe in ANY role.  The cheerleaders are beyond ignorant, and often say their lines while standing in one place like statues in a museum.  
The pacing of the film is slower than Christmas.  I don’t care how creative you think you’re being, there is NO excuse for having absolutely NOTHING happen during the first half of your movie.  Even Lord of the Rings had stuff going on the whole time!  
It was like watching Seinfeld with stupid girls as the entire cast.
I would rather have a rabid saber-toothed chipmunk with a cannibalistic testicle craving crawl up my pant leg while circus midgets tickle my armpits with cattle prods than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on June 19, 2013 by in Cheesy Slasher Flix, Dark, gory, mad scientist.
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