Assault of the Sasquatch-Oh, My Poor Brain…
This week was a week of mystery. I wrapped up Prescribed Danger, a medical mystery by the fabulous Gwen Hunter. I’ve been on a major Warehouse 13 kick, and then I decided to look into the mystery of Bigfoot.
Or at least a lousy, slack-a**ed attempt at what would happen if he got set loose in the big city.
Cue opening sequence! A group of bear poachers led by the nefarious Drake (Kevin Shea) have bagged a bear and begin dismembering it when they hear a roar from the woods. The two younger poachers set out to find the source of the noise only to be met by the Sasquatch.
Read: A dude in a gorilla suit with a Rob Zombie mask.
Dragula…I mean Bigfoot…tears apart one of the young poachers and chases the other back to camp. Drake shoots him with a sleeping dart, but Bigfoot wakes up just as they are dragging him onto the truck. The beast tears apart the other poacher just as Drake slams the door shut.
The state park police show up and arrest Drake for poaching. Krystal takes Drake in the car while Ryan drives Drake’s truck back to the station.
Back in the station Drake is locked up and another prisoner is escorted in. He recognizes Ryan and attacks, but is held back by the arresting officer. Turns out that Talan is the same guy who killed Ryan’s wife years ago. He eyes Ryan’s daughter, Jessica, just before being locked away.
Then Bigfoot escapes.
Two losers who videotape everything and, apparently, whack it to sasquatch footage and lore happen to be outside a house when Bigfoot appears and breaks in. He kills the girl inside and escapes, and we get these two Mother’s-Basement-Dwellers screaming into the camera during random scenes for the rest of the movie.
Thankfully, Bigfoot kills the fat one first. His voice was grating.
The rest of the movie is more dialogue than action, with the occasional scene of Bigfoot killing someone until he manages to trap the remaining cast inside the station. Talan manages to escape.
Make it stop.
Krystal decides to release Drake after Drake explains that he knows how to stop Bigfoot. The secretary, Amy, also happens to be a butterfly knife-wielding ex-stripper. We find this out when Jessica is cornered by Bigfoot and Amy shows up to kick his a**.
Oh God, more monotony.
After all kinds of feelings and heartfelt emotions are talked about, Bigfoot breaks into the station and besets on our cast. He kills the desk cop, George, and rips Amy’s legs off. Krystal is able to escape after Bigfoot separates her from Jessica in the tunnels, but she is stabbed by Talan.
Bigfoot emerges and kills him.
Oh, the suspense. Hm.
Ryan distracts Bigfoot while Drake, Jessica, and Krystal escape into the warehouse. Drake stays behind and scuffles with Bigfoot, which ends with a large container box being dropped on Drake. Goodbye, Drake.
And goodbye to the only character in the movie worth watching.
Ryan and the girls manage to make it to the tunnel where Bigfoot emerges. He passes them by, running off into the night as Ryan explains that Bigfoot now has a new home…in the city. DUHN-DUHN-DUUUUUHN!!!
VERDICT: You’re kidding, right?
Of all the f**king things you can cheap out on, you go all Jew on the actual Bigfoot costume?! Seriously! It’s a f**king gorilla suit with Rob Zombie’s face and Bob Marley’s hair! And the guy can’t be much taller than 5’6″. Bigfoot is supposed to be eight feet tall, isn’t he?!
The acting is atrocious, the lines forced with all of the grace of a condom on a cactus. Kevin Shea is the only noteworthy actor in the movie, but with writing like that he had to work with what he had. The Creepy Sasquatch-baters didn’t help, their bit being way over-acted and old after the first two times they appear.
The script isn’t much more than “What was that?!” and “How do we get out of here?!” It was interlaced with some feel-good mush and scenes that are supposed to pull at the heartstrings. All those managed to do was give me gas.
I would rather be locked in a porta-jon with a nest of rabid flesh-eating koala bears while it is being tipped over by rioting circus midgets than watch this silly-string monkey turd again!