Bad Movies Beware!

Pinocchio’s Revenge-A REAL Piece of…

The first thing that caught my eye was a fellow reviewer on Netflix touting this piece of garbage as a “movie that takes Disney’s character and warps it.”  Really?  Never mind that Pinocchio was a character from the book The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi.

Nope.  Give credit to the Mouse.
Anyway, I was drawn to this skunk turd because I rather enjoyed the first Child’s Play.  The others sucked hard, getting progressively worse as time went on.  How many times can an ugly doll kill people before we just move on to something more terrifying?  Something such as Teletubbies making a comeback or Palin wanting to run for President?

Anywho, since this movie looked like utter crap and about as appealing as flossing with Mama June’s thong, I figured that I might as well give it a look so that I can at least say that I warned you.
The movie opens with the dramatic arrest of Vincent Gotto for the murders of several local children and his own son.  He was found burying his son along with a strange wooden Pinocchio doll.  Jennifer Garrick is his defense attorney, and tries to talk him into appealing the death penalty.  Vincent warns her about Pinocchio and tells her that he would rather die.
Enter Zoe, Jennifer’s precious little girl.  Zoe has a bully at school, but manages to hold her own with harsh insults back at the girl.  
After Gotto’s execution Jennifer drives home to help set up Zoe’s birthday party.  She sends her boyfriend, David, out to the car to retrieve Zoe’s present.  David returns with Pinocchio, much to Jennifer’s confusion and horror since the doll is associated with a murder case.  Zoe immediately clings to Pinocchio, and Jennifer decides that a few days wouldn’t hurt.
What the hell am I watching, a character study?!
The next day (read “Thirty minutes into the 96 minute movie) Zoe takes Pinocchio to school with her.  That afternoon her bully takes Pinocchio and tosses him over the fence.  Zoe finds him, and a rake handle is suddenly put between the bully-girl’s bike wheels as she pedals by.  The girl falls in front of a school bus and is hit, but she survives with bruises and a new fear of God.
At the 40 minute mark we see the sexy nanny of the house take a shower in a full-on nude scene.  Sadly, she is not spectacular.
And the point of this scene is?
Ah, there it is.  Pinocchio is watching her.  I wonder if he gets wood?  Ark-ark-ark.
That afternoon Zoe visits her shrink to discuss her issues and how she is dealing with her parents’ divorce.  He leaves the room to take a call, and Zoe and Pinocchio begin to talk to each other.  Zoe trips out just as the doc is coming back into the room.  
That evening David stays home to watch Zoe while Jennifer goes to work on a new case.  Pinocchio tries to convince Zoe that getting rid of David would be a good thing.  Before she can stop him, Pinocchio pushes David down the stairs into the cellar.  David is rushed to the hospital with a cracked skull and in a coma.
Jennifer asks Zoe what happened, but Zoe tells her that it was Pinocchio.  A medic informs Jen that Zoe was the one who called 9-1-1.  
That night Pinocchio convinces Zoe to cut his strings, and he escapes to the hospital where he kills David by unplugging the life support machine.  We assume it’s Pinocchio, as the scene happens in first person. 
Kind of like Halo, only stupid.
Jennifer gets wind of David’s death and comes home to find that the nanny has been bludgeoned to death by someone.  She sees Zoe and calls out to her, but Zoe tells her to run because Pinocchio is on the loose.  Jennifer is struck with a fireplace poker, and comes to as Zoe holds up the poker and tells Jen that she wrestled it from the doll.
Jen looks away to try and spot Pinocchio, but Zoe is gone when she looks back.  Pinocchio charges her with a knife, and she slams him through the glass coffee table.  When she looks, Zoe is in Pinocchio’s place.
Twist ending.  Totally didn’t see that coming.  And I am Miley Cyrus.
This movie doesn’t really get interesting until the end, and even then the psychological aspect and twist seem thrown in at the last second to avoid becoming a Chucky rip-off.  Even the nude scene didn’t help.  I don’t mind a little nakedness, but when it comes out of nowhere and out of formula then it just gets silly.  
Pinocchio looks creepy from the beginning, and while Zoe may have fallen in love with him as soon as she saw him, most little girls would probably run from him as if they were being chased by Freddy Kruger.  
I actually thanked God when the credits rolled because this movie seemed like it lasted 3 hours instead of 96 minutes.  Really, it could’ve been trimmed down to about an hour and gotten the whole story across.  No, really.  
The only thing that would’ve saved this movie would have been the promise of a free meal at Waffle House for anyone bored or masochistic enough to subject themselves to 96 minutes of mindless dragged out drama and half-a**ed story-telling.
I would rather have a porcupine launched up my rectum with a spud-cannon while Jiminy Cricket scrubs my face with a spinning bicycle tire than watch this movie again. 

One comment on “Pinocchio’s Revenge-A REAL Piece of…

  1. Anonymous
    November 11, 2013

    You can write, which puts you head and shoulders above other Internet commentators. But your silly expressions aren't helping, especially when you waste them on a film as competently dull and harmless as this. If you thought Pinocchio's Revenge was bad, you haven't seen anything yet. For horror flicks that REALLY fail, I recommend Zombiez, Dark Harvest 2, and Secrets of the Clown.


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This entry was posted on July 24, 2013 by in Cheesy Slasher Flix, creepy kids, Dark, gory, killer toys, nonsense, stupidity.
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