I remember being a kid and watching Bela Lugosi portray Dracula in glorious black and white. The opening theme was Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake, and Lugosi was deep and brooding. Dracula always carried a certain mystery about him that made him both fearsome and seductive at the same time.
Much unlike the a**-gasket they got to play Dracula (My bad, “Count Orlock”) in this piece of dog poo.
Most of the characters are named after the classics. Van Dien plays Captain Van Helsing, his first mate is Aurora Ash (hot blonde), Coolio is 187 (you wish, buddy), Lister is Humvee, Mina Murry is an intern, and the Professor Holmwood is our wheelchaired genius who rounds out this lackluster cast of heroes.
The Captain of the Demeter space ship is videoing his final moments, saying that his crew is dead and that they are all doomed. He is clutching a cross when the video goes blank.
Enter our group of heroes aboard the Mother III (aaaand our Alien nod). Van Helsing claims salvage rights to the Demeter, which has been floating derelict in space for the past 50 years after communications were lost.
Ash warns against it, but Van Helsing ignores her and proceeds. Mina suits up and goes aboard, followed by Humvee and 187. Shortly after boarding 187 and Humvee find a room full of coffins.
187 is attacked by Count Orlock and turned into a vamp. Humvee fills the crew in, but they are attacked by 187. Van Helsing shoots him multiple times, but it takes a little research and ten minutes of people running through corridors and looking at video diaries to realize that the only thing that can kill a vamp is a broken pool cue stick.
What. The. F**k.
After offing 187 we find out that Mina has been turned during all the hubbub and that Ash is a droid programmed for law enforcement. Ash and Van Helsing take her out, but Orlock intervenes. As it turns out, Van Helsing comes from a long line of vampire hunters. Ash runs off to get help, and returns to find that generations of old farts killing the undead does not make one a vamp hunter overnight.
Van Helsing is turned, and Ash kills him off.
Dumba**, corner pocket.
Count Orlock spends the rest of the movie running through the corridors of the ship a-la Evil Dead while Humvee and Ash discover that the good doctor is now a vamp. Orlock chases them into the main control room, and they shut the door on his arm and sever his hand.
They set a course for the sun, then Ash reveals that she was originally programmed for sexual entertainment and pleasure. Humvee leaps at the opportunity, the original Demeter Captain appears in a video blog and accepts that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and the ship explodes.
For no reason. Period.
VERDICT: STAKE IT THROUGH THE EYEBALL!!
As if the story wasn’t bad enough, it seems that the entire budget went right into Casper “All I’ve ever done is Starship Troopers” Van Dien’s pocket. The set is obviously a battleship memorial or something along those lines, and the slow-motion camera work is just depressing.
On the bright side…never mind. There isn’t one.
The writing is atrocious, with most of Coolio’s lines being ad-lib because, well, it’s Coolio. Mina is annoying, and the Doc freaks out and becomes a sniveling little girl before he finally stops whining and vamps out. Ash is a blonde bombshell, but she also got her technique from Kristen Stewart.
The only actor with any talent is Tiny Lister, and he even suffers since all he has to bounce off of is cardboard cutouts of human beings.
The story is simple to the point of madness, yet this battleship-sized turd log is 86 minutes long. Granted, most of it is the characters running aimlessly though endless corridors while the scenes are broken up at random by the video diaries from the original ship captain before his demise.
In the end, I’ve seen golf with more hard-hitting thrills and chills.
I would rather lick the well-used seat of a porta-jon while having my armpits gnawed out by angry schizoid squirrels than watch this movie again.