Syfy bills itself as home of the sci-fi movie. The Asylum fancies itself a modern-day Toho Studios (the Japanese studio responsible for the Godzilla movies).
When these two meet, it’s like two completely constipated lovers that discover a way to release all of the crap they’ve been holding away over the months in one glorious hour and a half long newspaper session on the public toilet.
Before their conversation makes any sense whatsoever the massive storm hits. Suddenly the air is filled with sharks, and the Asian man is eaten. The captain laughs, thinking he has gotten away, but the sharks get him as well.
Cut to Fin and his Aussie buddy, Baz. They are surfing when sharks suddenly attack the beach, one biting Baz on the leg while the others dismember beach goers. Fin rescues Baz, and they go back to the bar FIn owns after getting him patched up.
Nova, Fin’s only waitress, expresses concern. George(played by John “If-It’s-On-SyFy-I’m-In-It” Heard) is the local drunk who asks about when the beach will be open again. Fin casually explains that they’ll reopen once the sharks are cleared out.
Lemme make sure I understand this s**t. About a dozen people get mauled on the beach by ravenous insane sharks, and Fin is just “Eh. They reopen when it’s clear. It happens.” Oh, sure! No problem! You know what else just “happens?!” Plague! Yeah, that s**t just happens, too!
The storm hits the beach, and sharks begin flying in through the windows, wriggling around on the floor as they scramble for screaming people who are fleeing in terror. Fin suddenly goes into hero-mode and arms Nova and Baz. George opts for his trusty bar stool, and they escape as the waves take out the bar.
The waters flood the streets of L.A., and they realize quickly that the waters are shark-infested. The hurricane is flinging sharks everywhere. Fin wants to go check on his daughter and ex-wife, so they hit the freeway to try and get to them.
On the way, they stop to rescue a group of drivers trapped in the underpass. George saves a woman and her dog, but is eaten by a shark as the underpass floods. Fin, Nova, and Baz get back into the Jeep and head off.
As it turns out, April and Claudia live in the snazzy part of L.A., a lifestyle Fin gave up when they divorced. April (Tara Reid) is not thrilled about Fin’s arrival, nor is her new live-in boyfriend. Dude-man McFee turns out to be a real slimeball, and is eaten by sharks as the waters crash into the house.
Yes. This kind of pattern goes on for a while. A WHILE.
Fin and his group finally end up at the air base where his son, Matt, is learning to fly. This is after about an hourish of shenanigans and sharks crashing through windows and eating people. Matt falls hard for Nova, and the group finds out that the hurricane has spawn three tornados loaded with sharks.
And the “Sharknados” are heading right for our group. Yippee.
Matt gets the idea to build bombs to drop into the tornados…wait a damn minute. Okay, I watch some pretty far-fetched crap. Not gonna lie, I LOVE the Freddy and Jason flicks. Lord of the Rings, can’t be beat! Harry Potter?
Yeah, you know you look at Emma Watson. Don’t lie.
But dropping bombs into a tornado?! That’s a bit much. I mean, what the…nevermind. Let me just wrap this synopsis before I drink more to drown away the stupidity.
Fin, April, and Claudia escape to the nearby retirement home for shelter while Matt and Nova board a chopper and prepare to bomb the sharknados. Baz stays behind, ready to set off his own bomb in case Matt’s plan fails.
Baz is eaten, and Matt succeeds in bombing the first tornado. The sharks are blown to bits along with the storm. Nova hurls the second bomb, taking out the next storm. The third is the largest one, and begins its trail towards the retirement home.
Nova tries to kick at a shark that has latched onto the chopper, but falls and is swallowed whole. Matt drops the final bomb, but it does nothing. The tornado sucks up Baz’s bomb, which explodes and takes it out. Fin rushes outside with his chainsaw only to see a massive great white coming his way. He aims the chainsaw upwards and cuts his way into the shark.
All hope looks dim when Fin suddenly cuts his way out of the giant shark, dragging an unconscious and alive Nova with him. Matt revives her, they hook up, April and Fin get back together. Credits.
Behold, the stereotypical SyFy ending.
VERDICT: Throw it back, it looks weird.
I thought that Sand Sharks was, without a doubt, the most ignorant movie I had ever seen. Then, along came Sharknado and completely reset the standard. Never before have I watched a movie that gave me such an urge to lick a window.
And yet, it has appeal. Go figure.
If I may: Tara Reid sucks at acting. Every line was delivered as if she was reading directly off of a cue card. Cassie Scerbo (Nova) was decent, but her character really served no other purpose outside of eye-candy.
Fin is Rick Shepherd from The Walking Dead. No two cents about it. The lines, the character choices, everything screamed that this guy was this movie’s group leader. I mean, really. Just go ahead and give him the hat while you’re at it.
The Asylum is not known for their quality films. The CGI in the movie is abysmal, the animation on the sharks not being much better than what we saw in the FMVs on Playstation One. Then again, what can one expect?
IT’S A MOVIE ABOUT STORMS THAT SPIT SHARKS.
I would rather suck face with a rabid tiger shark on speed while evil genetically altered saber-toothed wombats gnaw on my jewels than watch this putrid monkey turd again.