The Wickeds-Zombies, Vampires, Gore…and Ron Jeremy
So I just tallied things up, and I have watched 96 movies since starting Fail-Flix, this one being 97. I have seen movies that should have been commended for their brilliance and artistic expression.
I have mostly seen festering piles of s**t.
This movie falls into the second category, and proves that the porn industry is in dire straights. One would think Ron Jeremy would be more selective in what he puts his name in, but no. Apparently, all I need is a large all-meat pizza and a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and I’m set.
Five friends go thrill-seeking on Halloween to a haunted house where the jokester of the group, Dylan, knows that a horror movie is being filmed. Meanwhile, Gus (Ron Jeremy) and his younger cohort Teufel, are grave-robbing in a nearby cemetery.
Billy and Alyssa go upstairs in the house to have sex while the others stay downstairs to explore. Yes, I can’t tell you how much a run down house that is supposed to be haunted makes me want to screw. Please note the sarcasm.
Gus and Terfel unearth a body that is too fresh to be as old as it is. Gus takes a medallion from the corpse, which turns out to be a zombie vampire. It bites Teufel, who escapes. They run for it as the vamp rises from his grave and summons all of the dead to rise. Gus and Teufel fight for their lives, and end up at the house.
Jake, Julie, and the others, don’t believe the two grave robbers until their friend Richard is dragged out the front door and eaten. Kate, the token black girl in the movie, keeps hearing voices.
They have meds for that, chick.
Upstairs, Alyssa and Billy have what has to be the most inconsistent and awkward non-sex sex scene I have seen. Ever. They are making out heavily. They take off their shirts. She keeps her hands over her breasts, so we never see them. They make out. Camera switch. They are both naked, and he is wearing cowboy boots. Camera switch. His pants are back on, and they are hunching. Camera switch. No pants. Camera switch. Pants.
How the hell did…why the hell did…nevermind. I’d rather not know.
Anyway, Billy gets taken out by the head zombie vamp and Alyssa is sent downstairs screaming. Jake and Dylan rush upstairs after a few more seconds of bad acting and dialogue, save Billy, and bring him back downstairs. Teufel is wounded and lying on the couch, and Gus is running the show from a recliner.
Jake and Billy make an attempt to run for it, and Alyssa follows. Meanwhile, a ghost comes downstairs and possesses Kate. Yeah.
Makes total sense. Why not?
Billy and Alyssa are caught, and Billy is dismembered while Alyssa is turned into a zombie vamp. Jake finds Gus’s truck, but a zombie has the keys.
Back to the house.
More bad dialogue, and a complete formulaic character freak-out moment where Julie recounts their situation at the top of her lungs…twice. Okay, I get it chick. Move on.
Teufel dies on the couch. Gus mourns him, and Dylan makes a run for it as the house is beset by zombies. He runs into Alyssa, who is now a zombie vamp and seduces him. He gets away, and is surrounded. He backs into an open grave with a zombie in it, and we see him thrash around.
Treufel comes back and attacks, and Jake and Julie flee the house after stabbing him as Gus is taken by the zombies. Jake and Julie run back to the house when they figure out that they need the medallion to end it all, but Jake is attacked by zombie-vamp Richard. Who can talk.
Jake and Julie get separated, and Julie finds Kate. She’s now a zombie vamp. Julie yanks Kate’s eyeballs out while Jake fights off a group of zombies in the living room. Julie grabs the amulet, but the head zombie vamp gets to her and tries to take it from her. She smashes it, and all of the zombies vanish along with the head zombie vamp.
Julie helps Jake to the car, and Jake awakens as a zombie vamp.
VERDICT: BURY IT IN THE COW PASTURE.
Where, oh where, do I begin? Why do some guys get a camcorder from Best Buy and suddenly think that they’re Steven Spielberg? And what’s worse, someone knew how to get Ron Jeremy to be in the movie. He must be a hell of a sport. He took time away from doing what…who…he does to do this rancid pile of elephant poo.
As I listen to the thrash metal music during the credits, something sticks out like a salute from the chess team khakis during cheerleading practice:
No one actually starred in the movie.
According to the opening credits, the movie starred Ron Jeremy. Yet, the end credits state that he co-starred…ALONG WITH THE ENTIRE CAST. So, what? The opening credits is just a big fat liar?
The acting is abysmal, even for what this skunk fart is. The lines are delivered in a soap-opera manner that would make the cast of Days of Our Lives die from hysterical fits of laughter.
The make-up is nice. I can tell that the cashier at Spirit Halloween had a hell of a transaction that day. All of the props and make-up in the film can be found at various Halloween stores, but they were done well.
They were the ONLY thing done right in the film.
The soundtrack is thrash metal, which I found kind of cool, but it had no hope of de-sucking this movie. It’s like having Dave Murray stand in as Rebecca Black’s lead guitarist for a song. He’s awesome, but her music and singing still sucks a camel’s sand hose.
I would rather be hit in the face by a flying cantaloupe full of rotten litter-box clumps and land on the ground with my groin in a fire ant hill than watch this movie again.