Trip with the Teacher-Sadistic Bikers and…Elevator Music?
Once again into the Cornucopia of Crap, aka the “Gorehouse Greats.” For those just tuning in, “Gorehouse Greats” is a 12-pack of old Grindhouse movies from the sixties and seventies that my in-laws got me for Christmas one year as fodder for the site.
Yes, they are also fans.
This movie is a Grindhouse movie, make no mistake. These movies tend to be artsy and cutting-edge when it comes to tongue-in-cheek violence, sexploitation, and extreme-ism.
And, often, stupidity.
It’s rare that a movie like this has potential, but is downplayed by so many bad choices. In this case, the music for the movie is the horse poo in the face. The writer/director also fancied himself a composer, and came up with a theme that he must have heard while waiting in the elevator at Macy’s. It’s f**king horrible, and more repetitive than the in-game music from Back to the Future for the 8-bit NES.
Yeah, yeah. I’ll post a vid for the reference. Chill.
The other song in the movie is a theme for Al and Pete, the two biker brothers in the movie who are the antagonists. It often sounds like a trombone farting. No, really.
A group of teens are on their way to L.A. with their teacher, Miss Tenny(the not unattractive Brenda Fogarty). Marvin, the bus driver, is also enjoying himself(pervert. Hey, he’s likable). The girls are There’s Julie(the girl next door), Pam(the prude), Tina(the innocent one), and Bobbie(token slut).
Every group has one. It’s law.
What follows is a five-minute-long history lesson from Tina about the Incas or Mayans or something. I got distracted by paint peeling, so I didn’t pay her much attention.
S**t, I hope there isn’t a quiz.
On the other side of things, Al and Pete are biking across the desert when Pete blows a flat. Jay, another biker, stops to help out. They agree to ride together for a while, and come across the bus with the girls.
I might point out that this is no ordinary school bus. It is a short bus. Yes, I am well-aware that this should have been my first clue.
The bus breaks down, and the bikers stop to help. After a few pointless confrontations among the girls and between Miss Tenny and Al, the bikers agree to tow the bus to the next gas station for help.
Three motorcycles pulling a school bus. Sounds legit.
They come to a stop and Al and Marvin get into it when Al decides to leave. Marvin and Al fight, and Pete intervenes and runs Marvin over with his motorcycle, breaking his neck.
Jay and Julie realize that they are in true danger, and try to escape when Al corners them and forces everyone into a cabin that they have arrived at.
A note: we are now 50 minutes into an 87-minute movie. Yes, kids! It took them this long to get to what the movie is actually about!
(Shoots heroin so he can actually keep watching this pile of dookie.)
Pete sits by and drinks while Al leers at the girls. Bobbie tells the others that she plans to have sex with him in order to distract him so that they can all get away, but it backfires when Miss Tenny intervenes and is taken off by Al and raped.
He stops when he hears the commotion cause by Jay escaping. Pete chases him across the desert for what seems like an hour in real-time before he finally manages to knock Jay off into a ravine. With Jay dead, he returns to find that Tina has gone to check on Miss Tenny.
Al goes into the room and figures out that Miss Tenny helped Tina escape. He runs after her, during yet ANOTHER ludicrously long chase scene, and smothers her in the sand before depositing her body in the creek.
A pattern? Why, whatever do you mean?
Al returns to the cabin to find the girls in a panic and Pete three sheets to the wind. He strips Bobbie down during a fit and rapes her while Miss Tenny and the girls watch.
At sunrise, Julie gets up from her sleeping bag and tries to sneak off quietly to avoid waking everyone. Al catches her, and she tells him that she has to use the bathroom. He sends Pete to accompany her, and as they go outside Pete is strangled to death by Jay…wait a minute.
So you mean to tell me that I can roll down a ravine on my head an neck, crash at the bottom with my bike, and live through it with enough strength to actually kill a man?! (Runs off and does just that).
Al appears at the door and fights Jay. Miss Tenny runs outside, picks up a spike, and runs him through. End of Al. Jay agrees to ride off for help, every smiles at each other and there’s hugs all around. The end, queue the elevator music!
VERDICT: DIARRHEA IS MORE ENTERTAINING.
This touted itself as being an arthouse/Grindhouse film, but it lacked in several areas. Not to sound like a pervert, but most Grindhouse flicks had way more nudity, and a whole lot more gore. In fact, I’m wondering why they called this pack “Gorehouse Greats” instead of “S**thouse Greats” because these flicks sure are lacking in the blood.
The acting is beyond terrible. I honestly think that Troll 2 probably had better acting than this flick did. The lines are delivered as if the actors are all middle-school kids, and the “teens” are obviously in their twenties.
I already covered the music, but I’ll post a clip just so you can see what I’m talking about. Just hit up the Facebook page.
Not to say that this movie was a total loss. The story is decent, and the concept is there. But, the execution is as smooth as a redneck’s back hair.
Give it a look if you want to see what classic Grindhouse was like on the lighter side of things, but don’t expect to be shocked or terrified. If anything, look forward to being really annoyed overall.