Bad Movies Beware!

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie- HollywoodResorts to Dumpster-Diving

I’m about to take you back hardcore!  Okay, maybe “hardcore” is a little much.  Maybe medium-core.  Anyway, any kid who grew up in the 80’s remembers the Garbage Pail Kids cards.  You know, the knock against Cabbage Patch Kids that ran like hell from cute and sweet and embraced vulgar and disgusting.

Hell, just the thought of some of them makes me a little queasy.
Well, if you don’t remember them then you were both blessed and deprived as a child.  What the hell did you do with yourself anyway?  Read?  
So I’m also sure you all remember how stoked we were when they announced a movie.  That’s right!  A full-fledged Garbage Pail Kids movie!!  We flocked to the movie theaters to watch what could’ve been the most epic kid/nerd flick EVER.
Then we ran like hell when we saw the truth.
The movie opens with a garbage can/rocket ship moving through space.  The credits open by introducing the cast via their very own Garbage Pail card.  So we have Mackenzie Astin as “Douglas.”  Yeah, that kid from The Facts of Life.  
This can’t be good.
The story then opens with Doug, aka “The Creep,” running from the local bully Juice and his gang.  Along for the ride is Juice’s fashion-designer wannabe girlfriend Tangerine.  It comes to light quickly that Doug has a thing for Tangerine, which gets creepy later on when she supposedly returns his affections.  Also, he’s 14 and hasn’t even had his voice change yet, and she’s old enough to drive.  
Aaaaanyway, Tangerine wanders into Captain Manzini’s relic shop where Doug works, and is followed by Juice and his crew.  They rough up Doug again, and the scuffle results in the garbage can we saw in space earlier getting knocked over.  The Garbage Pail Kids emerge, and are introduced.
Now, for those who were avid collectors of the cards (even when they began to really suck), you might recognize some of the names.  We have Valerie Vomit, Messy Tessie, Foul Phil, Greaser Greg, Windy Winston, Nat Nerd and Ali Gator.  
Where, oh where do I begin on how BAD the kids look.  In an effort to make them look like they do on the cards, the engineers forgot along the way that the characters actually have lines.  That’s right, Doogie McPuppeteer: the mouths on the kids might ACTUALLY have to move.

Moving forward(albeit in agonizing neurological pain), we find out that the Kids are not only f**king disgusting, but they are also gifted fashion designers and can make the coolest clothing the 80’s has ever seen.

No, I did not mistype.  Clothes.  
Doug gets the idea to impress Tangerine by having the kids make clothes for her to sell as her own.  He convinces them to do it, and they decide to help after a musical number that just makes you want to claw your ears out.
 As it turns out, the Garbage Pail Kids just want to wander around and get into trouble.  So, after finishing Doug and Tangerine’s most recent order, they go out on the town for some mischief.  Ali and Windy get into a bar fight at “The World’s Toughest Bar.”  
No, really, that’s the name of the place.
The rest of the kids go to the movies and cause mayhem.  Shortly after they are rounded up by Doug and locked back away in the shop basement just as Juice and his goons wander by to talk to Tangerine.  After a few more incidents Tangerine finds out about the Kids, and decides to play sweet on Doug so the Kids will make clothes for her upcoming fashion show.
Is this making sense yet?  No, it never does.
Tangerine locks the Kids in the basement when she finds out that they plan to go to the show, and Juice arrives later on and has them carted off by the State Home for the Ugly, passing by the Sweat Shop and The World’s Toughest Bar along the way.  
Real creative with the business names, right?
Doug finds out and leaves the show.  He storms the State Home for the Ugly along with Captain Manzini and the bikers from the World’s Toughest Bar and frees the Kids.  They all decide to crash the fashion show and give Tangerine and Juice some payback.
The fashion show is quickly reduced to chaos as the Kids stage a full-scale assault.  Windy farts all over Tangerine’s audience, Nat Nerd pees everywhere, Ali Gator munches on toes, Foul Phil incapacitates people with his breath, Greaser Greg gets hair grease on people, Messy Tessie blows snot all over Juice’s goons, and Valarie Vomits covers them in puke.
Doug takes on Juice directly.  Okay, people.  Doug is VERY obviously a fourteen-year-old kid, and Juice looks to be in his twenties.  Yet, they fight mano-e-mano and Doug whoops Juice’s a** all over the stage. 
Anyone else see a problem here?
 To end it off, Tangerine tries to talk to Doug later in front of Manzini’s shop in order to make amends.  She sees the error of her ways and figures out that Doug is a nice guy(even though he is too young to drive and she is a good foot taller than he is complete with deeper voice).  Doug blows her off and tells her that he’s not interested anymore.
Captain Manzini thinks he may have found a spell to get the Kids back into the garbage pail.  He plays their song(the same f**king theme you hear REPEATEDLY throughout the ENTIRE blasted movie), then plays it backwards to lure them into the can.  They leave the shop and ride off into the night on ATVs.  
The End
VERDICT: This has got to be an achievement…
Before Troll 2, this was considered the worst movie ever made, and for good reason: IT SUCKED GARGANTUAN BOVINE NUTS.  This movie sucked worse than the job of the guy who tongue-cleans sumo wrestlers before and after matches.  It sucked worse than eating Brussels sprouts with a side of cat poo with extra ammonia dip.  Where do I begin, you ask?

The Garbage Pail Kids were awful.  The outfits were tailored to look as much like the cards as possible, so the masks not only didn’t have movable jaws and lips when the characters spoke, but they also stayed frozen in the same expression the entire movie.  The eyes moved, and that was all.

Not to mention creepy.
Even though the source material was lacking, the acting could’ve been better.  The only actor who seemed to take it seriously was the late Anthony Newley, who played Captain Manzini.  Why does this matter, you ask?  Because if the actors take it seriously, then the movie at least has a chance of having SOME redeeming value.  
I had to draw the line a the song.  Really?  And it’s an ear bug, to boot.  Jesus, make it stop.  The cover states that this movie is “Gross-Out Fun for the Whole Family.”  Why in the name on Oprah Winfrey’s fat a** on a biscuit would I subject my family to this?!
Makenzie Aston?  Really?  You take the good, you take the bad, you take ’em both and there you have a gigantic turd steaming on the video store shelves.  Oh yeah, that’s right!  The video store era is over.  As if watching this unholy mule turd wasn’t enough to ruin my childhood, I get to watch the one haven I had go up in smoke.
So long, video stores.  So long.
I digress.  They say that looking back on older movies from the past gives one an appreciation for classic cinema.  I say that if it was a roasted Manatee intestinal pickle when I was a kid, then it will probably be a roasted Manatee intestinal pickle ON TOAST now that I am an adult.  Kind of an adult.
Ah, shaddap.
I’m a total throwback, but I’d rather have my nipples gnawed on by hungry horses looking for sugar cubes while demonic circus dwarves release rabid hamsters on crystal meth with the munchies into my pants for a meal of beans and wieners than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on October 23, 2013 by in Monster Fails.
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