Bad Movies Beware!

Piranha 3DD-Water Contaminated with Stupidity

As much as I love horror movies(what was your first freakin’ clue?), I also enjoy a good comedy.  Mesh the two, and I’m usually sold.  Evil Dead 2 was a classic in the genre, as well as the Return of the Dead movies and Shawn of the Dead.

This movie tries to follow in the footsteps of horror/comedies with slapstick humor and gore galore.  Intense moments are interspersed with comedic moments that are meant to entertain and humor the audience.  The writer and director only missed two KEY elements:

The horror, and the comedy.
Let me forewarn any of you that plan to watch this because you are masochists and watch these piles of skunk doo-doo despite my warnings to run like hell: this movie has a LOT of gratuitous nudity(which will probably entice most of you to watch it.  Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you).  I say forewarn because it can catch you off guard at moments and leave you about as confused as an ADD kid watching a variety show(shaddup).

The first Piranha movie in this series, Piranha 3D, was a hit with the fans.  It had plenty of blood, plenty of comedy, and lots of gratuitous nudity that one would expect from this kind of film.  The ratings were extremely high considering what it was.

This movie is far different.  The director actually managed to take everything from the first movie that was good and poop on it.

Maddy(Danielle Panabaker) returns home from college for the summer to work at the water park that was left to her by her mother to find out that Chet, her sleazy stepfather, has changed it and added an adult-themed section.  He has also renamed the place “Big Wet,” and is marketing with sex.

This is, of course, following our opening scene where a dead cow farts hundreds of baby piranha into the water.  The fish kill the two farmers, one of them being Gary Busey.

Guess he’ll work for cheeseburgers, too.
Maddy is disgusted, and her friends go out for the evening with the goal of losing their virginity.  Shelby goes skinny-dipping with her boyfriend, but trips out and blames him for doing something wrong when a baby piranha swims up into her…
Oh, God.  I see where this will end up.  
Ashley and her boyfriend are about to have sex in his van when she accidentally kicks the parking brake and sends the van into the water.  They become a quick meal for the fish.
Meanwhile, we find out that Officer Kyle is taking bribes from Chet to turn a blind eye to the fact that he’s using a well and pumping in water illegally.  Kyle is also trying to sleep with Maddy despite the pursuits of another boy in the park, Barry, who has had a crush on her since the seventh grade.
Maddy and Shelby sit on the dock and mourn the loss of Ashley when they are attacked by piranha.  They go to Mr. Goodman, a marine biologist who is an expert on the prehistoric piranha that attacked the neighboring Lake Victoria a year ago.
Mr. Goodman explains that the piranha are probably using the drains to get where they want, and that the park is in danger.  They leave after a few more wild-eyed cryptic responses from him. What do you expect?

It’s Christopher Lloyd for God’s sake!!
Shelby is distraught by the attacks and tells her boyfriend to make love to her.  She does not want to die a virgin.
They have sex, but things go wrong when the piranha who made the Vagina Voyage comes back and latches on to Josh’s penis.  He pulls out and searches for a knife in the kitchen while the fish dangles from his member.  He finds a knife and whacks off his pointer, then flees.  Shelby awakens to find a fish on the floor next to the end of a penis and blood everywhere.
Just as Maddy and Kyle are about to leave to search the water park Shelby shows up and delivers the line of the move:
“Josh just cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
(Stands in kitchen in front of laptop in between bites of oatmeal and stares at screen speechless.)
Cut back to the water park.  Chet has opened the place up, and the adult pool is full of nude party-goers with not a cup size under DD in sight.  Maddy and arrives and tells Chet that Piranha may be entering through the drain system.  He laughs her off as David Hasselhoff shows up as the celebrity guest for the grand opening.

Maddy soon discovers the well pump Chet is using to pump water from Lake Victoria into the park.  She tries to turn it off but is stopped by Chet and Kyle.  Soon piranha begin to flood the park.  People scramble, and Chet tries to escape as the bloodbath ensues.

During his escape he runs through a flag line and is decapitated.  His head catapults through the air and lands in the pool where it is devoured by piranha.

A little boy named David calls to Hoff to be rescued.  Hoff ignores him until he suddenly has a Baywatch flashback and hurries to David’s rescue, calling him a “little ginger moron.”

Barry and Big Dave hurry to the pump room and turn on the drain in order to pump the water out of the pool.  Maddy falls in and is sucked down to the bottom.  Barry, despite being unable to swim, jumps in and rescues her.  Big Dave dumps a barrel of chlorine into the main pump and lights a match.  The explosion kills most of the piranha.

Maddy soon receives a phone call from Mr. Goodman informing her that the fish can now move on dry land.  She tells him she knows as one crawls out of the water and eats David’s head.  Hoff’s final line of the movie is delivered.  Yes, the line that brings the credits.

“Little ginger moron.”
This wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, though it certainly wasn’t good, either.  The entire movie build up to the final scene where the piranha launch their attack on the water park.  No, really.  ALL of the good comedy bits and suspense moments were saved for the end.  
You just have to endure the rest of the movie.
The acting is abysmal, which is par for the course considering the movie.  But even a parody needs to have a solid performance from the cast.  The creature effects, however, were great.  The piranha look vicious and scary, and it was obvious that some serious work was put into their appearance and their animation.  
The only real ding I have on this movie is that it hits one of my major taboo turn-offs: Kids.  Yeah, I know.  It’s pretty much understood that it’s going to happen when an en masse public slaying happens, or a natural disaster hits, but I don’t need to see it.
Chet runs over a little girl during his escape, and the little David kids gets graphically(though cartoonishly) decapitated in the final scene.  Yeah, even I have my limits.  Leave the kiddos out of it.
Other than that, this movie wasn’t a complete disappointment in that it delivered as promised on its main feature: boobies.  Boobies, boobies, and more boobies.  There was enough T&A in this movie to make True Blood blush.  So, in that regard, it lived up to its potential.  
It just didn’t do anything else.  Period.
Honestly, the only thing that would keep me from watching it again is the fact that it exists.  I wouldn’t go so far to say that I would rather be mauled or permanently disfigured by some random woodland creature with some kind of abnormal psychological disorder than watch this movie again, but I can say that I’d take my chances being naked in a gorilla cage while looking for a contact lens before I press the play button on this aqua-fungus.      

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This entry was posted on November 12, 2013 by in boobies, cheerleader, gory, Monster Fails, nonsense, overblown, science fiction, stupidity.
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