Secrets of the Clown: As if I Really Wanted to Know…
After probably one of the most eventful two weeks of the entire year, I’m back! Normally I have a line-up of holiday flicks ready for slaughter, but things got crazy. Anywho, what better way to bring in the holidays than a good ol’ scary flick?
It would’ve been something had I actually found one.
For those of you who have a fear of clowns, this movie is harmless. IT was crazy, I’ll give you that. Tim Curry brought horrifying life to Pennywise the Dancing Clown, and let’s not forget the iconic Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
Actually, let’s forget about that one. Yeesh.
Secrets of the Clown is another camcorder independent movie, which is fine. I really don’t take issue with the genre as a whole. I’ve seen a few good ones, such as Off Season. But what kills me is when the people behind the camcorder are clueless and, more or less, sharting a movie for cheap thrills and a chance to see a lot of boobies.
The movie opens on two people in bed who are awakened in the middle of the night. The girl, of course, is topless and the guy is a complete tool. I specify this toplessness because, despite what you might hear in some reviews, this is the ONLY time you see nudity in this movie.
Not as bad as Thankskilling, at least. Yet.
They are killed by a figure that seems to be a clown, judging from the hand that carries the knife. The next day, enter Boobie…I mean Bobbie. Ah hell, the first one might be a little more accurate. This dude is the hero of the film, and he’s a total nimrod. Just wait and see.
Bobbie and Val seem to be having relationship issues stemming from Val’s obsession with a porcelain clown doll she keeps handy. She leaves, and Bobbie’s best friend Jim comes over to help him drink his sorrows away. Jim breaks the clown doll to get back at Val, and goes outside to smoke. He is killed, and Bobbie finds the body with the clown doll next to it.
Val returns to Bobbie in the hospital and they rekindle the relationship. Bobby later tells her that he can sense Jim’s spirit in the house. Bobbie’s friends Ken, Mike, Louie, Kelly, and Jon agree to meet at the cemetery to pay their respects to Jim.
Jon is acting like a jerk to everyone, constantly telling Louie and stupid he is and insulting anyone who speaks. He goes especially nuts when Bobbie wants to hold a seance to talk to Jim and find the killer.
Mike ends up punching Jon in the face, and he storms off before Bobbie can stop him. Jon goes back to the car and is killed by the clown hand.
Now what kills me.
In the next scene Bobbie is writing a speech for Jon’s funeral. He begins it with “Jon was the best friend anyone could ask for.” Dude, he was an uproarious a**hole. Let’s be real. I’ve got friends who can be a little much too, but at least I can admit it.
Anywho, at Jon’s funeral the friends get together and decide to hire a psychic to contact Jim and identify the killer. Val is upset by this, and goes out the night of the seance. The psychic (they never say his name, I looked twice) arrives and begins to talk to each of the group about the recent events.
During this, Val has a revelation and tries to call Bobbie. He doesn’t answer, and she turns around and heads back. The car breaks down, and she is forced to go it on foot. She is picked up by a strange old man, and he reveals that he is part of a coven searching for her. She escapes after killing him, and is picked up by another driver.
Relax, he’s just a pervert. No biggie.
Ken has been attacked by the clown demon, and Louie has been killed. The psychic recognizes her, and reveals that he is a warlock and has been alive for centuries. He promised Val, his prize student, eternal life if she simply killed someone she loved. She was supposed to kill Bobbie, but it backfired and the psychic came for payment.
Ken comes back as a zombie and attacks Val and Mike. Bobbie struggles with him and kills him by stomping his throat in. Mike:”You killed Kenny!” Bobbie: “I’m a bastard.”
No. Really. I can’t make this up.
Val arrives, and chaos ensues. The clown demon appears and kills Kelly and Mike. He works for the psychic, and Val rebels and says that she chooses Bobbie over immortality. She battles the psychic, and Bobbie is caught in the crossfire when he is attacked by the clown. Val uses the clown doll to vanquish the clown demon, and the psychic disappears in a puff of smoke.
Bobbie awakens in the hospital to find Val by his side and the doctor running tests. Val offers to take him for a walk, and they are stopped by the doc who turns out to be the psychic. Bobbie blacks out, and awakens to find the aftermath of a fight and the psychic dead on the floor.
Val tell him that she couldn’t kill him because she loves him, and that the psychic knew that he could die even though she can’t. As they leave, the psychic opens one eye.
Please, God, don’t make a sequel.
VERDICT: KEEP THAT S**T TO YOURSELF!!!
Even for what it is, this movie is a gargantuan donkey turn floating on the top layer of film in the water stagnating in the film industry’s toilet. The acting is absolutely horrendous. It’s as if they learned from none other than the master, himself: William Shatner. They all recite the lines as if they’re reading them, and everything is overdone to the hundredth degree.
Actor 1: “Where are you going?”
Actor 2: (With intense urgency as if the fate of all Cybertron hangs in the balance)”The bathroom to take a whiz!”
Not kidding. Every. Freakin’. Line.
The plot is weak at best, with crater-sized holes for added fun. Who is the coven after Val? What is their story? Was she born into it? Was she found? It ends up being a storyline made up of plot points that go nowhere and ride the tails of the main plot as weakly as possible.
Though it’s cheap and halloween store special, I’ll have to give kudos to the gore. The blood and wounds are theatre department quality, but from a good student and not the Mass Comm major looking to fill in elective hours.
On the whole, if you’re into horror movies about clowns, look away from this one. If you’re into the camcorder indie genre…look away from this one. No, really. it sucks. It sucks on every level. It sucks about like an asthmatic prostitute with an iron lung. Just because you have a friend who will take off her shirt and a buddy in a heavy metal garage band does not mean you can make a movie.
Hell, I think EVERYONE has that one friend who will go all out just to be on camera.
I would rather have my colon pumped full of bowl weevils while eating ice cream made out of liver grease and lard while being castrated by a rabid wiener-eating possum than watch this movie again.