1313: Cougar Cult-Old Chicks and Half-Naked College Boys…Jesus
Yeah, there’s just no way to make that sound right. I mean, I could add “mutha f**ka” at the end of it in an attempt to let my inner gangsta run free, but even that can’t make what this movie is about sound any less uncomfortable or awkward.
What a hell of a way to ring in the new year!
Games and a countdown with friends, a nice quiet New Year’s Day at home, and this God-awful pile of donkey nuts staring at me from Netflix like a pervert at a bowling alley.
The film opens with a pool boy finishing up his shift at the lavish mansion that serves as a home for three scantly-clad midlife crisis victims that apparently had careers back in the 80’s as scream queens. He goes into the shower to rinse off before leaving, and we get a montage of about 8 minutes of him rubbing himself down in the shower while the ladies creep towards him.
Okay, we all know how much can happen in a minute during a film. Imagine 8 minutes of bad horror music, some dude rubbing himself like a super model gone wrong in a shower, and three slutty grandmas walking.
Yeah, it got old fast.
Dude is chased by what sounds like a monster, and the camera cuts back to a shot of the house as we hear him get mauled by the creature. The scene shifts back to the interior, and we see him on the floor WITHOUT A SCRATCH.
The ladies approach, and the blonde(Linnea Quigley) complains about them killing a boy on the new floor. They decide to claim mates, and eat the boy to hide the evidence. They make their transformation into cou-OH DEAR GOD!!!!
What. The. Hell.
They turn into cougar-women. NO. You don’t…understand. I am not usually taken aback. I typically don’t do double-takes, or even triple-takes since I am rarely shocked. It’s too much. You won’t believe me. I have to show you.
YES! They were too cheap to even look into masks or something for the cougar monster transformation, so they SUPERIMPOSED a cartoon pic of a cougar’s head onto the women’s faces. A STATIC pic, so they didn’t even TRY to animate!
I may have found the successor to Troll 2.
Enter three young college boys. They are Coopersmith, Darwin, and Henry. They’re three losers looking for summer work, and have answered an ad to work as servants to three rich women for the summer. Clara(blonde) answers the door, and brings them in to introduce them to her sisters Victoria(Michelle Bauer) and Edwina(Brinke Stevens).
Yeah, I drew a blank on them too.
They hire the boys on the spot, and thus begins another montage of the guys sleeping while they rub themselves. Yes, I can’t make this up. I ended up fast forwarding through about a total of thirty minutes or more of this crap because A) Ew, and B) EW.
Darwin begins to notice the strange goings on in the house(the guys that come and never go, the strange noises, the reruns of Space Ghost) and brings the weird dreams(read “self rub-downs) to the attention of Coopersmith and Henry. He tells them that he recognizes the amulet around Clara’s neck as the same amulet worn by witches eons ago who eat young men to achieve immortality.
Coincidence? Nope. Internet said so. It’s TRUE!!
Henry and Coopersmith are entranced by the trio of Cougar-Women, and Darwin races for his life aimlessly around the house just to be cornered by Clara. He grabs the amulet and presses it to her head, killing her and her sisters in a hail of superimposed cartoon lightening.
He and his friends walk out the front door and reflect on the past few days. They have a final laugh and head off as the credits roll.
Yes, a final laugh. Scooby-Doo style. Shoot me.
VERDICT: FILLED THE BEDPAN!!!
Next time anyone happens through the store I will need some bleach, a brill-o pad, and a wire brush to scrub the memory of this movie from my mind. At least The House That Screamed ATTEMPTED to use actual special effects.
This movie is a prime example of what happens to has-been b-movie actors who just don’t know when to say “You know, I’ve had a good run. Time to retire and tour with Nerd Con so Mama’s-Basement-Dwellers can take pictures of me and fap in their hotel rooms later.”
The acting is absolutely horrible. These three ladies decided to be nice and help out the guy making this movie. Either that, or he promised a celebrity caller at the next bingo night. The guys are no better, having obviously studied Kevin Costner and William Shatner as role-models for their acting careers.
The special effects were…well, they were special. Not “Special” because your mom told you that you were, but “Special” as in I suddenly have the urge to lick windows, watch Barney, and bark at people I see in the street. I mean REALLY?! I have a friend who went to animation school, and he once complained to me that some of the work there was just indicative of people who were floating.
This animation was just a floater, period.
The story is weak, but what do I expect? Look at the crap I watch! What was I thinking?! That I would watch something in depth with a massive social impact on today’s movie-going audience? Something that makes my mind work and my outlook on life change for the better? Something to give me faith in my fellow man?!
I expected a movie with slack acting, a sub-par plot, bad writing, and lame effects. I got what I expected.
I would rather have S**tstain the Dancing Monkey throw balloons filled with liquid diarrhea at my face repeatedly while having my kneecaps drilled out by a Garden Gnome with passive-aggressive rage issues and a fabulous transvestite streak than watch this movie again.