Track of the Moon Beast-I Want My Intelligence Back…
Thanks to everyone for being patient, as you all know how an eventful weekend(Such as the Broncos fapping instead of actually playing football at the Super Bowl) tends to slow things down a bit around here. Anyway, onwards to Track of the Moon Beast!
Okay, so that intro was about as exciting as this movie gets.
It’s not easy writing a review on a movie with a shallow story line. It’s even more difficult to write a review on a film with a shallow story line AND a boredom factor that makes amateur golf as exciting as porn.
I even had a hard time finding a decent poster to use for this one. Not only did the movie suck like an asthmatic prostitute, but the artwork on the majority of the posters I found was watered down worse than Michelob Ultra. I mean look at him. He’s not showing his might and awe, he’s asking God “Why am I made to suffer through this movie?!”
He needs hug.
Paul is a mineralogist studying under his former teacher and mentor, Johnny Longbow(our token Native American). Johnny tells the students in his class the legend of a rock that strikes a man and turns him into a monster.
That evening Paul takes his new interest, Kathy, up to a spot in the hills he likes to go to relax. A meteor shower predicted earlier begins, and as they watch the sky a meteor falls and strikes Paul in the head.
Yeah, I know.
He takes it like a man and shakes it off, but then spends the next day or so acting lethargic and having blackouts. He takes Kathy to a party one evening, and here we get the musical portion of the movie.
Okay, let’s slam on the brakes for a moment here. So most movies have a band playing in the background during a bar, club, or party scene. But the band doesn’t get front and center attention, let alone a FULL F**KING MONTAGE.
Oh, yeah! Believe it! The next five minutes of the movie is literally Johnny Longbow and Kathy taking care of Paul as part of a music video for this band that, I guess, was friends with the director or something.
The song was California Lady. Yeah, I’d never hear of it either.
AAAAAnywho, that night a local man is mauled at his house, and his wife dies of a heart attack. The police chief brings in Johnny Longbow to look at some odd tracks around the house that look to have been made by an upright crocodile.
Okay, at least we might see a cool-looking monster or something.
Paul has his head scanned and the doctors find a piece of meteorite lodged in his brain. He his held for observation, but escapes. A group of people in the woods are killed, and Paul returns to the hospital believing that he is responsible.
Johnny and the chief agree to tie Paul down and watch him for the evening. Kathy comes by to visit, but Paul sends her away as the night approaches. Everyone watches as he shifts into…
Kermit with downs? WHAT THE F**K?!!
WHO THE HELL COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?! Paul turns into what looks like EVERY early concept of Godzilla rejected due to sheer stupidity. Ever. Combined. It’s like someone took an alligator, then squashed its nose back into its head and filled his underwear with warm jello. This would be because of the unintentional s**t-eating Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle grin on his face.
Paul breaks free the next night and attacks, but Kathy follows him despite Johnny’s warnings to stay away. The doctors had now discovered that the fragment has shattered, and that all hope is lost for Paul. They corner him on the highway after Kathy finds him, and we get to see the Moon Beast in his full form.
Is that a pocket on the front of the…yeah. That’s a mechanic’s jumpsuit. Jeez.
Johnny takes an arrow that he made out of a piece of the rock that hit Paul and takes aim while Kathy and the chief watch. He fires, and the monster screams as he dies in a furious display of technicolor flashes of light. I think I actually saw some flower power there.
The chief gets in his car and drives away. Kathy goes to Johnny Longbow, and they head to the car. Another day done. No, really. They get in the car and drive away like nothing happened.
The end. Why do I do this sober?
VERDICT: LAUNCH IT INTO ORBIT!!
This movie was a prime example of what happens when you let just ANYONE make a movie. Not that all indie flicks are bad. I actually have one called Off Season that really isn’t all that bad despite a couple of short-comings.
Let’s start with the acting. Donna Drake plays Kathy, well not so much “plays” as “pantomimes human-like gestures while reading a teleprompter.” Probably an android like Kevin Costner or Lorenzo Lamas. Paul was no better, though his lines were few and far in between and consisted of not much more than “Somethings not right,” and “I’m the moon beast!”
I think the Terminator had more personality.
The monster suit was God-Awful. It was literally a jumpsuit painted green, a rubber mask, hands and feet. It wasn’t one of those scary and lurking costumes. It was more of a “I stole this outfit from a guy named ‘Jim’ while he changed my oil at Jiffy Lube!” outfits.
And, dear God, the BOREDOM!
In a monster movie you pretty much have one job: Keep the audience entertained with sheer ignorant action and violence. Not a stretch. This movie fails miserably at that. I can actually say that I found watching my toast cook in the toaster was more stimulating than watching this pile of sheep pellets.
It wasn’t so boring that I wanted to jump off a roof, at least. But it dragged on for so long that I actually began to wonder if I was eligible for retirement and ready to invest in my obligatory Depends for the next twenty years while I waited for Nurse Nasty to bring me my new copy of Playboy: The Geriatric Playmates Lingerie Edition.
I’m old. Not dead. Well, Manos Hands of Fate almost fixed that.
I would rather have my face gnawed on by a snaggle-toothed horse(Or Sarah Jessica Parker. What’s the difference?) while having my scrotum sand-blasted with rabid fire ants on meth than watch this movie again.